Eurosong fever 2024 – The final!

It’s that time of year again. We’ve had the semi finals, it’s now time for the final…

Here’s a quick rundown of the acts tonight, hastily copied and pasted off the Eurovision website…

Sweden Marcus & Martinus Unforgettable

Interesting, the song order is wrong already, I had this down as being last. Oh, great. Oh yes, I seem this one completely breaks the compression with its overly complex graphics. I don’t think I rated this song’s chances last time, and I still don’t. It got through automatically, as Sweden are the hosts, but it’s not very memorable. Of course, they’ve changed the voting now, so you don’t have to vote at the end, but I can’t see them flying in for that one.

Ukraine alyona alyona & Jerry Heil Teresa & Maria

I didn’t l;ike this one much in the semis, it got better as the song went off.. No idea what it’s going on about though. It’s Ukraine though, so it’s probably got a chance, somewhere down the line.

Germany ISAAK Always On The Run

Oh yes, this one is the one that almost sets the set on fire. Not a bad little song to be honest now that I’m hearing it again. It might do well, that one.

Luxembourg TALI Fighter

This one has sound effects in it that sound spookily like a USB device disconnecting, and there’s the Geforce 4 MX leapords again. Glad she got through just so I could see those again.

Israel Eden Golan Hurricane

I really, really liked this one and I’m glad it got through. Apparently, she looks like Dua Lipa, which is Italian for Do a Jump. There’s that subtle piano. I hope this does well.

Lithuania Silvester Belt Luktelk

Did I go to the bog during the semi-final? I can’t remeb… ah yes, it’s this one. Slightly bouncy. I guess that means it didn’t really grip me. Decent beat, sadly instantly forgettable.

Spain Nebulossa ZORRA

I remember this one as being pretty good. Apparently, a portion of the crowd are wearing fox ears because of this song. Apparently, to be a singer, you have to be under 40? I’m not sure how true that is, unless she’s had a hard paper round. I’d like to see it do well. Never really commented on it in the semis as they’re already through.

Estonia 5MIINUST x Puuluup (nendest) narkootikumidest ei tea me (küll) midagi

I liked this one in the semis. It’s proper weird, and it has the longest title of any song in the history of Eurovision. Seems to be out of sync though this time.

Ireland Bambie Thug Doomsday Blue

this one is absolutely one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen at Eurovision? Are they going to tone it down for the final? No. At least it’s different I suppose.

Latvia Dons Hollow

From Ireland to this. Very slow, and I didn’t really “get” it. It’ll probably do well.

Greece Marina Satti ZARI

Oh yes, this is the one that sends the iplayer compression into spasms. A totally forgettable song, and I don’t thunk it’ll get anywhere.

United Kingdom Olly Alexander Dizzy

Ohhhhh no. Ours is complete gargae this year. If we get off the right side of the table tonight I’d be very surprised. Really not a fan. It’s only the 2nd time I’ve heard of it, and I hope it’s the last.

Norway Gåte Ulveham

Oh yes, it’s that hurdy-gurdy thing again. I think I quite liked this one in the semis. I still go. No idea what they’re rabbiting on about. I haven’t learned Norweigan in the space of 2-4 days. Decent tune to it though

Italy Angelina Mango La noia

Apparently sounds like a weird folk song. Oh yes, I remember it now. I think I like it more than I did last time.

Serbia TEYA DORA RAMONDA

Oh, it’s the one with the huge plastic rock. It’;s a slow one, and I don’t think it was up to much. Surprised it got through the first time. I can’t see it doing anything tonight.

Finland Windows95man No Rules!

The staging is absolutely hilarious That’s one of my favourites, definitely. I’d like to see it mdo well.

Portugal iolanda Grito

Wasn’t a fan of this the first time I heard it. I don’t think it’s got any petter the 2nd time.

Armenia LADANIVA Jako

This one’s catchy as hell. I remember, I thought I was going to forget about it, but it was still going through my head several minutes later. I still wouldn’t rush out and buy the CD though.

Cyprus Silia Kapsis Liar

Oh, this was the very first song in the competition, and I thought it sounded generic. I wonder if my thoughts of it have improved now that I’ve heard almost every song swice? Yes, it has. I like it now, and although it’s the first songs, it’s one of the only ones I properly remember.

Switzerland Nemo The Code

Oh yes. It’s the one with the weird spinning disc thing. I liked this one, despite it sounding like something out of The Fifth Element.

Slovenia Raiven Veronika

I think I liked this one? Ah, no. I liked her outfit.

Croatia Baby Lasagna Rim Tim Tagi Dim

Definitely one of the favourites… my me, and by the sounds of it, the crowd too. I’d like to see it do well.

Georgia Nutsa Buzaladze Firefighter

I liked this one at the time, but it sounds a little generic next to Baby Lasagna.

France Slimane Mon amour

Can’t say I was really a fan, but the singer has a fair set of lungs on him. It might do well.

Austria Kaleen We Will Rave

Yep, I remember liking this one, and I still do. Sounds like something that should have been popular in the 1990s though.

Aaaaaaaand, that’s your lot. 25 songs, because there was a disqualified team. Not sure why. Probably something political. Oh, it was the one that looked like Jimmy Savile. Never mind, eh? Well, there’s been a half time show. Abba didn’t appear, except in the firm of avatars. Hugely disappointing. Now, onto the votes…

Eurosong Fever 2024: The Semi-Finals 2

Ah, here we go again. I’ll be doing this one in realtime, so if you’re actually reading this, refresh and I’ll update as it goes along. Here’s what’s going to be on tonight, not counting the other ones that are already through.

Malta Sarah Bonnici – Loop

As always, off to a generic start. Very similar to Cyprus’ entry from the other night. And I think that went through, I’ll certainly not remember this one at all.

Albania BESA – TITAN

Apparently, she thinks the reworked version of this song is much better. Another slow one. Looks like she’s smuggled the Mitchell Brothers onto the set, mind. I hope this really kicks off with some kind of proper dance beat.

THERE IT GOES. It did. Shame it’s just the last 30 seconds though.

Greece Marina Satti – ZARI

Oh my. Sounds like she’s been using too much helium. Nope, don’t like this one, which means it’ll probably go through with flying colours… Speaking of flying colours, there’s too many of them, and it’s sensing the iplayer encoding on the wonk again. Not for me, that one.

Switzerland Nemo – The Code

Apparently, this is one of the favourites to win. High pitched screaming. A rap. Drm + Bass. Thgis ticks all of the aurovision boxes. Doubt we’ll see the busty milkmains on this one though. Best music of the night so far. Definitely through.

Czechia Aiko – Pedestal

Ergh. I don’t like this one as much as I thought I would when it started. The vocals don’t suit the music, it’sd as if she’s half an octave down. Don’t think it’ll get through.

And now a sing that’s already qualified… France. Is it going to be any good?

Three seconds in, and it’s absolutely not by type of song. Slow, ballady , and it looks like he’s wearing an onion bag.

Austria Kaleen – We Will Rave

Ooh, this one’s going to be a dance song. About time. Should have guessed that by the title, but yes, I like this one a lot, which means it has absolutely no chance of going through Definitely the best one of the night so far. POne of only a couple that I’d actually go out in the full contest and buy. And just when you think it’s going to end, it slaps one more chorus and “that” drum sample. Douse points.

Denmark SABA – SAND

Yeah, this one’s not bad. Heavy on the percussion, which meakes a good song. At least it does to be, anyway. Two good ones in a row. I like that.

Armenia LADANIVA – Jako

Catchy, with trumpets. N oidea what they’re singling about, but plenty of la la la bits. Probably not good enough for me to claim three goodsongs in a row. It’ll go out. Though it’s been about 5 minutes and it’s still going through my head.

Latvia Dons – Hollow

And here we are, back to the slow, ballady ones. That’ll probably go through, though I’m not really a fan.

Now there’s a Spain – an Electronic duo, so I’ll probably like this. It… wasn’t bad. Don’t think it was as good as they made it out to be.

San Marino MEGARA – 11:11

Apparently, the Sapnish track translates into ‘vixen’. Which is ironic, as I’m now sat here thinking “What the fox that?” Not quite as weird as the Irish entry the other night, but it’s up there. I do quite like it and actually hope it does well. It SHOULD get through.

Georgia Nutsa Buzaladze – Firefighter

this one’s not bad either. Got those traditional violin sounds to it. No idea what it’s called, but, yeah, I’d like to see it go through, therefore it probably won’t.

Belgium Mustii – Before the Party’s Over

Well, theat ends the long run of decent songs. this one isn’t. It’s already forgettable and I’m still listening to it. It’s picked up towards the end, but I don’t think that’s going to be enough to save it.

Estonia 5MIINUST – x Puuluup (nendest) narkootikumidest ei tea me (küll) midagi

Er, is that what this one’s called? I copied the name from the Eurovision website, so it’d better be right. Oh apparently it IS the right name, and it’s the longest song title in the history of Eurovision. So, that’s interesting.

A rap group and a zombie folk group, you say? Well, I have no idea what they’re singing, but I’ve just cranked the sound up. If this doesn’t qualify, there’s something wrong. It’s up there with the top two songs of the night.

Italy next, and these have already qualified. Angeline Mango, apparently. La Noia, which translates to Boredom. Sounds like some weird folk song. Not that good. Decent set of lungs on her, but I wouldn’t queue outside Solid Sounds to buy it.

Israel Eden Golan – Hurricane

Another show, ballady ones Apparently, there was booing during the rehearsals. Not for the song, I guess, as it’s quite good. It’s got that suble hint of piano which I like so much in a song. I don’t think it’ll even get close due to the current politial situation, which is a shame as I quite liked it as a song.

Norway Gåte – Ulveham

A song that features a traditional Norweigan herding call. Oh, there’s one of the weird stringed instruments like a violin, but with keys. I forget what it’s called. And then it all kicks off. I like this one. Genuinely something I’d add randomly to spotify, forget why I added it, yet still listen to it in its entirety every single time. It’s reat. I’ve already resigned it to the EuroDustbin by claiming I like it, but it deserves to go through.

Netherlands Joost Klein – Europapa

And here we go, this is it. the final one. He sounds like Scooter, looks like a camp Jimmy Savile. Stupid suit, catchy song, ridiculous dance moves. Naming random foods. Tribute to late father This one needs to go through. If it doesn’t, the roots of Eurovision have been lost to history. Definitely in my top three.

Well, all of that fitted in 1000 words, chiming in at 998 words. That’s quite amusing. You can tell I’m looking for something to do while this TERRIBLE interlude goes on. Pointing the microphone at the audience, and getting them to join in with several of the winners. How are they going to top this during the actual finals?

So overall, I’d like to see Austria and Norway to go through. Netherlan

Here’s the ones I’ll predict will go through…

Norway – THROUGH
Austria – THROUGH
Estonia – THROUGH
Latvia – THROUGH
Switzerland – THROUGH
Armenia – THROUGH
Netherlands – THROUGH
Georgia – THROUGH
Denmark
San Marino

Let’s see how many I get right, eh? Ones I got wrong are…

Israel – Glad that got through even though I didn’t think it would. I like that song.
Greece

Well, that’s not bad. 8/10. San Marino didn’t get through when I really thought it would. I was going to say it may have been just too weird, but then again, Ireland got through on Tuesday night, so there’s no accounting for taste.

Right, anyway, that concludes this post. I guess there’ll be an update on here on Saturday night.

Eurosong Fever 2024: The Semi-Finals 1

Oh, apparently Eurovision started tonight. Tha was news to me. I just happened to load up Iplayer and there it was. Therefore, it’s of course, time for me to do my review of each song. Do I like them? Well, if last years’ was anything to go by… yes. I remember actually liking quite a few of them… so much so that I actually went and bought the CD… which ,at the time of typing, is still on the shelf in its cellophane. Can’t have like ed them that much. Oh well. Without further ado, here’s what I think of them, from the list hurriedly copied and pasted off the Aeurovision website, because I didn’t realise this was tonight until 10 minutes ago…

Cyprus Silia Kapsis Liar

So, we’re already starting off generic. I could have sworn she sang “Fuck you.” That’d be an interesting start. Something about someone being a liar. It got better, and it was actually quite catchy

Serbia TEYA DORA RAMONDA

No idea why this title is in capitals. I just left it like that. Oh, we’re already on to the slow ones. some wifey sat on a plastic rock and, of course, ligh shining through the dry ice on the floor. I have absolutely no idea what language it’s in. It’s completely forgettable, and I don’t think it’ll get anywhere.

Lithuania Silvester Belt Luktelk

Apparently, this one’s quite catchy, and he has some type of weird face piercing. Oooh, It’s catchy, though I really think it should have had more to it… though it’s probably the best one so far.

Ireland Bambie Thug Doomsday Blue

I…. er…. wow… this is a bit weird. Actually, no, it’s very weird. This is quite possibly one of the weirdest things I’ve ever watched.

Oh, now here’s ours. the first time I’ve heard this. Absolutely nil points. I don’t know what’s happening with that set. Are they upside down or not? I don’t get it. Someone in the commentary box just climaxed. I don’t even know who’s doing it this year.

Ukraine alyona alyona & Jerry Heil Teresa & Maria

A powerful and solumn ballad, apparently. Already a no from me and I’ve only heard 5 seconds. Actually, I spoke too soon, it’s not all that bad. I have no idea on the lyrics. I heard something about “politica” in there, so I’m probably best off not having a translation if I’m honest. Guessing it’s either about the war, or female empowerment. Or both.

Poland LUNA The Tower

Ah, here it is. the first stupid dress of the contest, unless you count Ireland’s. that was more just scary, though. The song isn’t that bad. Same thing over and over again, something about her building a tower. Probably won’t get through

Croatia Baby Lasagna Rim Tim Tagi Dim

Hahaha. Now, I caught about 5 seconds of this when I accidentally went to live view. Apparently, this one is the favourite to win Loud, aggressive and memorable, apparently. And yes, this is what I like about Eurovision. Absolutely, without doubt, my favourite so far, and if this doesn’t qualify, I’ll eat my cat. I love everything about this. Mind you, I said that about some of the songs last year that failed to qualify

celand Hera Björk Scared of Heights

Nope, this one doesn’t have anything going for it. Very generic pop feel to it, nothing is sticking out as being memorable about it. I don’t think it’ll get through.

Now there’s another qualifier… Isaac – Always on the Run. There’s an oil barrel on fire. I wonder if it sets off the sprinklers. That’ll be hilarious. Oh, I think I’ve heard this one somewhere before. Apparently has the sound of a real elephant in the chorus. Oh, now that whole set’s on fire. It’s obviously qualified, but is it going to win the whole thing? Is it feck.

Slovenia Raiven Veronika

Despite all of the VT clips and bits in between songs, I’m still 15 minutes behind. I could quite easily make three minutes back by fast-forwarding this. Absolutely no chance of qualifying. That suit’s not leaving much to the imagination. Lots of screaming and that weird tongue-roll thing.

Finland Windows95man No Rules!

I’ve been told about this one. That’s actually one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in the history of watching these. Nekkid bloke, with amusing props about the stage to hide his modesty. I didn’t even listen to the song as I was laughing that hard.

Moldova Natalia Barbu In The Middle

Aaaaaand we’re back in the room. If there was a song that defined the exact middle of Eurovision, this would be it. I don’t hate it. I don’t like it. Bit of violin, bit of operatic-type screeching.

Now it’s Sweden’s turn, they’ve already qualified so I don’t really need to say much about it, but the vocalist sounds like the bloke out of Savage Garden. The lighting is playing absulte havoc with the encoding. Not many to go now.

Azerbaijan FAHREE feat. Ilkin Dovlatov Özünl? Apar

Well, it’s been a poor turn out so far, hasn’t it? With only four more to go, there’s only a couple I’ll listen to again. Guess what? This isn’t one of them.

Australia Electric Fields One Milkali (One Blood)

So, if anything, I’ve learned that “Milkali” is aboriginal for blood. 90s synth piano. Synth bass. The guy playing the keyboard hasn’t pressed a single key yet. Someone should tell him how to at least play pretendy. And now there’s a bloke with a digeridoo just walked on. I like this one. Hope it goes through. Been a poor crop so far.

Portugal iolanda Grito

Well, it’s started off slow, and I don’t think it’s going to get much better than this. the crowd like it, however, so it’ll probably get through.

gLuxembourg TALI Fighter

Well, I do quite like this one. I’m not sure if the audio is dropping out or if it’s actually in the song, though. Oh, CGI leapords too, that look like they’re from the 90s. Looks like Luxembourg never upgraded past the Geforce 2.

Right, that’s the lot for part one. I can get to fast forward through all the dreck in the middle while the voting takes place.

So, the winners are…

SERBIA
PORTUGAL – Yes, it did get through.
SLOVENIA – Guess someone liked that weird tongue roll
UKRAINE – Yeah, I liked that one.
LITHUANIA
FINLAND – Yay, Windows95Man is through.
CYPRUS – Wasn’t bad.
CROATIA – Glad they got through.
IRELAND – Huh. Guess the goths were out in force.
LUXEMBOURG – Guess someone liked those Geforce 2 leopards.

Yeah, so I’m surprised Australia never got through. I’ll probably not post anything on Thursday as it clashes with the darts, but I’ll probably record it and watch it later.

Eurosong Fever 2023!

UPDATE: A server move has corrupted this post somewhat – the encoding has changed the foreign characters to a bunch of symbols…. grrr. One day I might fix it. Probably not.)

Oh yes. It’s that time of year again. It’s Eurovision 2023! Join me, as I go through the runners and riders, criticise their songs, and generally make fun of the entire thing. It’s going to be great! Now, this is going to be in realtime, so please refresh this page (F5) to get the latest version.

Right, so it’s started now. And it all starts off with a “special” version of last years’ Ukraine entry. Some video inserts, and now they’re ‘performing’ it live at the venue. I wonder how long it’s going to go on for, because so far it’s felt like 2 hours, and we’ve not even started yet. Oh, there’s a flag parade. I think this might be the best time for me to go and get some beer.

Austria: Teya & Salena – Who The Hell Is Edgar?

Oh god, yeah, this one is going to do well. It was in the semi-finals and everyone loved it. Po po po po pooooo. I remember quite liking it. I think it’ll do well because it’s pretty damn catchy. Will it win? Never more. Not sure what that whole 0.003 bit was about.

Portugal: Mimicat РAi Cora̤̣o.

No song has won from position number two. this one starts off like “I Will Survive”. I remember this one sort-of having a Tetris vibe to it. I didn’t think it’d get through to the final, but it did, despite some of the much better numbers such as Ireland going home. That was a surprise. Below is the running order, which I’m gojng to fill in as it goes, naturally. It’s just making things easier for me. Doing this now, because this song is entirely forgettable, and I don’t think it’s going to get anywhere….

Switzerland: Remo Forrer – Watergun

I really dislike this one. Something about not wanting to be a soldier, and instead, playing with water guns. Slooooooow. Not a fan. It’s going to do well, because it’s about war.

Poland: Blanka – Solo

Apparently, it’s catchy. Let’s hope so. It’s like Ace of Base. In a way. It’s OK. Infinitely better than the last trash. It’s going to bug me though, because there’s a bit that sounds like another song and I can’t think what. It’ll come to me at some point tonight. Yeah, that one’s alright. It’s grown on me since I heard it in the semi-final Hope it does well. My fave of the night so far.

Serbia: Luke Black – Samo Mi Se Spava

I didn’t like this one, but the crowd seemed to love it. Not catchy at all. It’s one of those songs that wants to be something that it isn’t. Absolutely no memorable quality, except maybe that “Hello” but. and that’s literally it.

France: La Zarra – Évidemment

Ahh, now, one of the first that I haven’t heard before properly. Oh, god, can it get any slower? Ah, there we go. It’s licked in quite a lot. That first 30 seonds was dire. It’s not bad. No idea what she’s singing about, because it’s entirely in French. It’s probably about double glazing or something. Yeah, there’s definitely been worse. Not catchy, but the crowd are loving it.

Now there’s a recap of some of the interval acts from the sem-finals. Most of which I fast forwareded at the time, so I have absolutely no idea. Thankfully, I haven’t missed much. Apart from Dustin The turkey. Who remembers him?

Cyprus: Andrew Lambrou – Break A Broken Heart

Best intro so far. Downhill after three seconds though. Ohhh, it’s one of those that’s going to go either way. It’s either going to be great and actually kick off, or it’s just going to sit around and do nothing for three minutes. Yeah, this one’s OK. Not going to queue and get the CD for it, but it’s not going to make me run somewhere and kick the radio off the wall. Have a feeling it’ll do well.

Spain: Blanca Paloma – Eaea

Another one of the “Big Five” that didn’t have to go through the semi-final stage, so I have no idea what this one sounds like. I’ve heard rumours that it’s supposed to be good, though.

Well, this one wasn’t worth waiting for. Sounds like they’re playing the backing track to the wrong songs. Sounds like she’s in pain, poor lass. this isn’t going to do amazing.

Sweden: Loreen – Tattoo

I remember her microphone sounded weird in the semi-finals. She was wearing one of those jaw mics, and it didn’t sound good at all. Well, it still sounded the name, so maybe it’s meant to be like that? The song itself isn’t bad. Apparently, it’s been streamed 55,000,000 times. It’s written by one of the members of Amaranthe, so that might have had something to do with the reason why it’s so popular. It’s going to do well.

Albania: Albina & Familja Kelmendi – Duje

You’re only allowed 6 memembers on stage, and they’re all the same family. It’s… Well, I’d nortmally say it’s different, but there;’s no such thing as that in Eurovision. In fact, Spain also started with that screaming stuff. Dance moves with hankies. Yup. That’s Eurovision for you. Forgettable. When the song finishes, it will never sweep through my brain again. Definitely a bottom halfer.

Italy: Marco Mengoni – Due Vite

He’s a big star in Italy, apparently. Again, the first time I’ve heard this one, and, yeah. It’s alright, if a little slow. It’s in Italian, so I have no idea what he’s on about. Prima la musica? I love music? Does that mean I can speak Italian now? Scorchio! It’ll probably do well.

Estonia: Alika – Bridges

Oh yes. I think Tom showed me this one. It’s a piano that played itself. I tried to look for the floppy drive on it, but couldn’t see it. I remember seeing one of those automatic pianos with a floppy drive on it. No sign of it though. Where the maker’s mark shiould be, it says “Estonia”. Nice touch. I quite like this one, in a “It’s better than the majority” vibe. Yes, I do actually like this one. Hope it does well.

Finland: Käärijä – Cha Cha Cha

Apparently, the dancers to a ‘human caterpillar’ dance move. Interesting I’m sure. Well, this is all about the stage performance. Oh, wait. Not quite the human caterpillar I thought he was referring to. The crowd absolutely love this one, and I have to admit, it’s catchy. It’s be very surprised if this wasn’t top 3. it’s 100% Eurovision

Czechia: Vesna – My Sister’s Crown

‘We’re not Your Dolls’, apparently. Oh, go away. I like the little flute sample in the background. I’m not sure what the song is about. Porbabbly something about GURL POWER. I think I’d like an instrumental version of this. Impressive ponytails though, if they’re real. I like the music, not the song.

Australia: Voyager – Promise

Yeah, this one’s actually quite good. Rocky, synthy vibe. this one’s great. I think Jamie S would actually like this one. I’d probably say this one’s my favourite of the nights. It’s the one I’ve not had to think about liking. If you’ve ever heard ‘Beast In Black’, it reminds me of them in a way. Synthy rock. this is right up my flagpole. I’d love to see this do very well.

Belgium: Gustaph – Because Of You

Well, the crowd like it, and it’s pretty upbeat. this is your typical Eurovision fodder. If you typed “Write me a Eurovision Entry” into ChatGPT, this is the type of stuff it’d come up with. I can’t help but think it’s completely, and utterly forgettable in every way, shape and form., but no, I do remember this one from the semi-finals, so that’s got to mean something.

Armenia: Brunette – Future Lover

I didn’t like this one at all in the semi-finals. It just seems tuneless, especially compared to the previous song. Admittedly, I like it a little more than I did in the semi-finals, but I doin’t think it’s going to do well. That’ll probably mean it’ll win, then.

Moldova: Pasha Parfeni – Soarele ÅŸi Luna

This is just weird. There’s a dwarf, named Sergio, playing a Moldovan flute or something (a Caval, apparently). 15/10 for the stange perfornace…. 8 out of 10 for the song. I’d like this to do well because it’s had the best staging of the night so far.

Ukraine: TVORCHI – Heart of Steel

Apparently, their name means “Creative” in Ukranian. Every day’s a school day. again, another one I haven’t heard. this year’s slightly different, because I watched the semi-final for the first time. I’ve never done that before, so some of the songs I’ve heard, but there are six that I haven’t. Well, I can quite honestly say, they’re not winning any votes this year.

Norway: Alessandra – Queen of Kings

This was the first one I heard in the semi-finals and I really, really liked it. Really catchy tune, and again, another Eurovision staple. Reminds me very much of “Wolves of the Sea” from a few years ago. It sounds like a ‘GURL POWERZ’ type song, but it’s catchy enough for me to still like it.

For the record… Wolves of the Sea was the Latvian entry at the Eurovision Song Contest 2008 in Belgrade performed by the group Pirates of the Sea. It qualified from the second semifinal in 6th place. In the final, it was performed 10th following Belarus and preceding Croatia. At the close of voting, it finished in 12th place with 83 points.

Germany: Lord of the Lost – Blood & Glitter

Ohhhh, this one’s supposed to be the winner. I haven’t heard it, but just by the looks of them, it looks like it should be right up my strasse. Hahaha. Yes, this is amazing. Over-the-top costumes, metal with a buried piano. It’s like Lordi are back. There’s a screamy bit too. If I needed a reason to run out and buy the soundstrack, it’s this, Norway, and Australia. Graham Norton hated it. Brilliant!

Lithuania: Monika LinkytÄ— – Stay

Oh yes. I’m sure Tom at work kicked off about this one because she appeared back in 2015 with essentially the same song. I just nodded and agreed. I was just excited that I had someone to talk about Eurovision with, even if it was for a brielf 10 minutes. Yes, I like this one, even if it does allegedly sound like a previous entry. Anthemic? Is that the right word? Don’t know. It does start off a bit slow, but that chorus sticks with you.

Israel: Noa Kirel – Unicorn

I heard something about this one being popular. Apparently she’s really big in Isreal. The song is not amazing. I think this one is all about the dancing Phew. Not sure that’d come across well on the CD though. Not quite sure what the power of a unicorn is… Fart rainbows? Admittedly, I don’t think I blinked during the entire time of that dance.

Slovenia: Joker Out – Carpe Diem

very generic. the crowd were clapping away to it, which is usually a good sign that it’ll do well. It’s on the acceptable side of generic though. Yeah, go on then, I quite like it. there, I said it. The beer must be taking effect. Singer looks like him out of China Crisis.

Croatia: Let 3 – Mama Å ÄŒ!

Oh, they’re doing a video of Whitby in the build-up. Apparently, these are going to be Croatia’s version of Monty Python. And if they win, they’re going to perform their reprise completely naked. There’s not going to be any chance of that happens. If they win, I’ll run over to Liverpool in the break, get up and join them completely naked. This is dire. I can hear the word ‘syncophant’. Or something like that, and that’s all I can understand. the crowd loved it? No accountinfg for taste.

United Kingdom: Mae Muller – I Wrote A Song

the last song of the night. Another one I haven’t heard. Well, not fully. As tradition, I try to avoid our songs until this very moment. Well, it’s catchy, I’ll give it that. Whether it’s enough to save it from the middle / bottom half of the table, I don’t think so. I wonder what they do with all of these custom LED panels when the show’s finished. It’s a shame that it’s all over for another year. It’s a shame that my original plans for the night fell through, but at least I’ve got to spend it with both of my readers. I’ll be back on when the otes start. I’m not going anywhere.

After the jury votes, we’re…. not doing well, but Germany are doing worse. I’m very surprised. I liked that song.

And the next update will be the final score…. apart from this one… It’s cormed we’ve finished 2nd last underneath Germany. Oh well.

And here’s your final score.

I enjoyed every second of that. Already looking forward to next year. And that concludes this blog post. Same time next year?

Eurovision 2022! Hurrah!

It’s one of my favourite times of the year. A time when I sit down and spend an entire night listening to potentially terrible music

The normal rules apply… Refresh this page to hear my thoughts on a particular song…

I’m already looking forward to “Give That Wolf A Banana”… In a perfect world, the best song will win, but we all know that Ukraine are going to win…

Here we go! Well, if the intro songs are to go by, this isn’t going to be too bad. No idea what they were (and I’m not referring to that “Give Peache a Chance” crap), but I quite liked them. Laura Bazini, or someone. I’ll probably look her up later.

Oh good lord, there’s a parade of the flags now. I think I’ve started this a bit early. Still enough time to nip for a piss before the real action starts

Oh no! Apparently, there’s going to be a load of “emotional ballads” this year.

Czech Republic: We Are Domi – Lights Off

Here we go! Bit of an 80s vidbe to it, not much of a tune. The flashing effects aren’t really doing much for the compression, considering I’m watching via iplayer. It’s definitely been the best song of the contact so far, but I’m sure there’ll be better.

Romania: WRS – Llámame

Well, the crowd are clapping. Nil points for whatever the bloke’s wearing, however. the intrumental bit’s pretty catchy, which isn’t great, seeing as this is a song contest. I’d probably prefer this over the first one if I’m honest.

Portugal: MARO – Saudade, Saudade

“Harmonised introspective ballad”. says Graham Norton. I don’t know what to make of it. Oh wait, yes, I do. It’s dreadful. I genuinely disliked everything about that. NEXT!

Finland: The Rasmus – Jezebel

Always amuses me when actual bands that I’ve heard of enter this competition. It’s certainly more uptempo than the last one, and that’s probably all I can say about it. Oh, wait, there was a nice little key change there. It’s improved it somewhat.

Switzerland: Marius Bear – Boys Do Cry

The question that Mr. Norton asked was “Will it stay in the memory?” I can guarantee it will NOT. this is pretty much everything wrong with music these days. Has there been a shortage of drumkits? He’s got a whiny voice like a mile Adele. Naaaaah.

“Boys do CRAAAAAAAGH”.

France: Alvan & Ahez – Fulenn

Ooh, I like this one. Well, I did until they started singing. Don’t know if it’s me, but the verse bit sounded ever so slightly out of time? La la la le li lo, lu, lm, lx, etc. Saying that, it’s one of the few that I’d listen to again so far.

There now follows a human sacrifice”. Hahahah.

Norway: Subwoolfer – Give That Wolf A Banana

I do love a good novelty song. And this is probably my favourite so far. SOMEONE GIVE THAT WOLF A BANANA. And they repeated the word “Yum” 90 times.

Armenia: Rosa Linn – Snap

Oh, it’s another ballad, but this one’s not too bad. I’m thinking KT Tunstall? I do actually really like this one. I’d say this is my favourite so far. I’d definitely listen to this one again. Deux points.

Italy: Mahmood & Blanco – Brividi

TO TERRY! Up to 9 songs already. Is it a ballad in Italian? well, I don’t understand, but the crowd appear to be loving it… I, however, do not. Now, where did I put that beer…

Spain: Chanel – SloMo

A song originally written for J-Lo, did he say? oooh, I’m sorry, I’ve totally zoned out of this song, she has a lovely bottom. I might have to watch this one back later. Good lord. That’s one way to be memorable.

Netherlands: S10 – De Diepte

“Something completely different”. Yeah, not amazing, but I’ve just noticed how much the backing scenery looks like the old “Taito” arcade games booting up…

Ukraine: Kalush Orchestra – Stefania

Well, this wasn’t what I was expecting. I have no idea what the guy’s wearing (it’s like when you put a lampshade on your head when you’re a kid), and I have no idea what he’s singing, but… it’s actually OK. When I read “Orchestra”, I was expecting another ballad, but this is a folky / rap crossover thing. With flutes. Not bad. Not bad at all.

It’s probably going to win.

Germany: Malik Harris – Rockstars

Oh, god. It’s that style of singing again. instead of “fast”, it’s pronounced fhaaaaaruuust”. “Rhhhockstaaaaaus”. I can’t get past the awful vocals. there’s a rap section that is a carbon copy of “Headlights” by Eminem and that guy off Fun. It’s a shame, because the song has got better as it went on, but, that style of vocal is just…. no.

Lithuania: Monika Liu – Sentimentai

Oooh, old style Eurovision I have a feeling I like this…. Well, it’s certainly got a disco vibe, but it just doesn’t get going. It’s like a slightly faulty kettle that never gets to boil, just sits there almost bubbling away. Still, it gave me a chance to go and fix some spelling errors.

Azerbaijan: Nadir Rustamli – Fade To Black

You think he’d have got dressed up. Shame that it’s another ballad. Nope, it’s a nil points for me. I take it there’s not a break between the songs because I need a wee again now.

Belgium: Jérémie Makiese – Miss You

Well, Graham Norton was right when he said the show was “toploaded”. Some of the best songs at the start, and the rest towards the end.

Greece: Amanda Georgiadi Tenfjord – Die Together

Hh no, “a batch of ballads”. If this was on CD I’d have skipped it after the first few seconds. Eventually, it got going. hmmm, I thought she was going to have a Bjork moment there.

Iceland: Systur – Með Hækkandi Sól

It’s a ballad, but I like it. It’s as if the Corrs attempted country. Out of all the ballady ones, this has been my favourite so far.

Moldova: Zdob şi Zdub & Advahov Brothers – Trenulețul

The ballads are done. Hurrah! YES! this is brilliant! This is what Eurovision is all about. After sitting through all of those bloody ballads, this is exactly the antidote to them. I think whoever owns the rights Blitzkreig Bop could sue them for copyright though… I absolutely loved that.

Sweden: Cornelia Jakobs – Hold Me Closer

Swedent are often my favourite, with “Invincible / Evighet” by Carola, being one of my favourite songs of all time”, and that Stormvind one from 1990, also by Carola. this one’s got a good instrumental. Vocalist sounds a bit like a drunk nanna on a karaoke though

Australia: Sheldon Riley – Not The Same

His face looks like the front door of a butchers. Did not like that one bit.

United Kingdom: Sam Ryder – Space Man

Here we go. The first time I’ve heard this song, at least I think so anyway. Yep, I like that one. Bleepy backing music. Guitars, and that overproduced percussion that’s been sadly lacking all night. That was great. Definitely not nil point this year.

Poland: Ochman – River

Three songs left. Mike made a balls-up and just caused Poland “holland”. Oh. Now if we had a nanna doing a karaoke earlier, now we’ve got the over-confident bloke doing karaoke. that’s a little unfair. I’ve heard worse tonight, but I’m certainly not going to rush out and add this to my CD collection any time soon.

Serbia: Konstrakta – In Corpore Sano

This will forever be known as the “Meghan Markle” song (or however it’s spelt). I think this one is the worst one of the night.

Estonia: Stefan – Hope

Awww, I’m actually gutted that it’s over for another year. 24 songs, 1 to go. Acoustic guitar, bit of whistling. Ennio Morricone would be turning in his grave, he’s totally ripped off “The Good, The Bad and the Ugly”… and I really like it. A decent one to finish the night on…. It could have done with a key change, but that was great.

Eurosong Fever 2021!

Ahhh, it seems like an absolute age since I’ve done this, but in approxiamtely 20 minutes time, the Eurovision Song Contest 2021 will be kicking off. It seems loike an age since the last one, and it is, because the “panny d” put paid to last years’ show.

This year, I’ve not watched any of the buildup, or the “qualifying rounds”, because really, if your song is bad enough to be knocked out of the qualifyers of Eurovision, your song must have a turd in a blender as your lead vocalist.

Anyhoooo, watch this space, as it’s the only “realtime” post I do of the year…. For the record, and because I believe this is the order they’all appear, here’s all the songs, and I’ll fill in my comments for each of them as I hear them!

Apparently, there’s a walk-on now (because everything has to have a walk on now), and they’re playing a remix of “Venus”. Ugh.

Elena Tsagrinou – El Diablo (Cyprus)

Huh. Well, this reminds me of something Lady Ga Ga would throw out. I have a feeling it’s not going to be the worst one I hear tonight. I actually quite like this one. I haven’t even had a drink yet.

Anxhela Peristeri Karma (Albania)

Onto song 2, and the first one in a language I don’t understand. Looks a little bit like Carol Vorderman (amusing! Graham Norton just mentioned that), but apparently has a decent set of pipes. the song isn’t really my cup of tea. Won’t be hunting this one down.

Eden Alene – Set Me Free (Israel)

Apparently she’s going to attempt the highest note ever performed at Eurovision. This should be fun.

Meh. Wasn’t that good.

Hooverphonic – The Wrong Place (Belgium)

I llke the band name, douze points. And the song isn’t bad either. I really like this one. Something about a Johnny Cash T-shirt. It did slip down the list as the night went on as the better songs came through.

Manizha – Russian Woman (Russia, unsurprisingly)

We’re about 30 seconds into this one, and I really, really dislike it. I’d definitely be skipping this if it came on Spotify. “BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO BE”…. what, a quid for the parking meter?

Destiny – Je Me Casse (Malta)

Means “I’m Outta here”, apparently. this one’s pretty catchy, with those sax samples. It’ll probably do well.

The Black Mamba – Love Is On My Side (Portugal)

With a band name such as that, I expected a much more energetic peformance. This one’s just the usual forgettable rubbish. We have a winner.

Hurricane – Loco Loco (Serbia)

Another one that’s not in English, but… it’s got a decent tune, and dare I say it’s probably been my favourite so far? Been quite a lousy batch so far if I’m honest. Considering they’ve had two years to prepare, I expected more, even if they’re a new batch of songs entirely.

James Newman – Embers (United Kingdom)

Song nine. Song NEIN more like. Not a fan of this at all. Can’t see us getting much for this to be honest. Seems like it’s been going on for about 5 minutes. Pretty much just the same thing over and over again.

Stefania – Last Dance (Greece)

I’m looking at the list of how many acts there is to go… and then I realise I’m going to be missing BigCliveLive for this. Suddenly, this one picks up and it’s actually quite good. Interesting use of green screen effects. Think we have a new leader for my favourite.

Gjon’s Tears – Tout l’Univers (Switzerland)

It’s a no from me. Sounds a bit like Jimmy Somerville. Too slow. Tries the whole bombastic thing at the end for about 30 seconds, but it’s too late for all that now.

Da̡i og Gagnamagni̡ Р10 Years (Iceland)

I can imagine that the singer is going to break my encoding, and that name will proibably end up about 48 random characters. I haver no idea what those keyboard / guitar combos are, but I want one. Nice use of rhythm guitar. Another one I really like. Ohhh, those three keyboards join up and they forma circle. that was great.

Blas Cantó – Voy A Quedarme (Spain)

I’m all for gimmicks, and apparently, this is the biggest prop ever used in Eurovision. a 6 metre long moon. Song’s crap. Wanted him to stand under the moon, for it to snap, and a comedy “splat” sound. Didn’t happen.

Natalia Gordienko – SUGAR (Moldova)

NOPE. Not a fan of this one. Sounds like something that should have been left in the early 2000s.

Jendrik – I Don’t Feel Hate (Germany)

LOL. “This is marmite, if everyone hated mermite.” Surprisingly, I don’t hate this. I don’t have a clue what he’s blabbing on about, but to give it its due, it’s catchy.

Blind Channel – Dark Side (Finland)

I said to t’other Jamie over Facebook that he’d like this one…. “this is fantastc” was his reply, and I have to agree. It’s nice to have something different to what’s been so far. After a slow start, the songs are starting to pick up, and I haven’t even opened a beer yet.

VICTORIA – Growing Up Is Getting Old (Bulgaria)

Well, this is the most depressing song so far. Just a reminder that old age comes to us all, and one day we’ll get sick and die. Thanks for that.

The Roop – Discoteque (Lithuania)

Entirely forgettable. Yellow suits. No tune. Bloke looks a lit like him out of Human League. I could probably hear this 50 times in a row and not remember any of it. I’m not going to though. Hopefully, that’ll be the last time I hear that.

Go_A – Shum (Ukraine)

Folk tunes mixed with dance, apparently…. and unsurprisingly, I really like it. Can’t see it getting anywhere, but it’s right up my strasse.

Barbara Pravi – Voilà (France)

Apparently one of the favourites. Can’t see why. Possibly the most forgettable song of the lot so far. She’s probably a decent singer, but seeing as it’s in French, the should be singing about her bloody shopping list for all I know. Naaaaaaaaah.

Efendi – Mata Hari (Azerbaijan)

Nope, don’t think much of this one either.

TIX – Fallen Angel (Norway)

that one’s really good too. I got a bit distraced because I went o put the light on, but I’d probably say it’s on my top 3 so far? Think the staging could have been better though.

Jeangu Macrooy – Birth Of A New Age (The Netherlands)

Definitely not a fan of this one.

MÃ¥neskin – Zitti E Buoni (Italy)

ROTFL… “Maybe it’s grow on me, like mould on a bathroom ceiling”. Graham Norton’s comments crack me up. It’s supposed to be heavy metal. The only thing heavy is my head, as I try to think something decent about this. It’s certainly not “heavy metal”. I was looking forward to this one, and now I’m just disappointed.

Tusse – Voices (Sweden)

I usually like Sweden’s songs, they always come out with some classics. This one’s…. not really one of them. Pretty forgettable. Not the worst I’ve heard tonight. Ah, key change. Now THAT’S Eurovision.

Senhit – Adrenalina (San Marino)

And so, this is the final one. Not a bad batch of entries if I’m honest. Flow-Rider doesn’t improve this one in the least.

And that’s your lot. Wasn’t that fun? Now it’s the tedium of an hour-long half-time show while the votes are counted. Not calling, and I’m not installing an app to vote. so I guess I’ll just have to put up with it. Think I’ll open those beers now. I’ve also fixed the “bold” HTML tag.

Well, wasn’t that fun? Glad to see we did well as usual. And that concludes your Eurovision coverage for another year.

It’s Eurovision time, 2018 style!!

Oh yes, the time of year I await with baited breath. As with previous years, I’ll be going through and reviewing each entry, so this is a live post. Keep reloading, as I’ll be updating this through out the night, with the latest update first…

23:50
And here endeth the Aurovision for another year. A controversial night, and not a great winner. Reminds me too much of that “Bom Bom” song

22:07
ITALY: I’d probably like this one, but the suject martial’s put me right off. Thankfully this is the last one, I can go and get something to eat after this!

22:03
CYPRUS: This is supposed to be the favourite. Not sure why, it’s nothing special

21:58
IRELAND: Usuaully a fan favourite. Never realised they hadn’t been in it for five years though. That streetlight isn’t giving out much light though. The song wasn’t bad.

21:55
NETHERLANDS: Never a fan of country, and this one is no exception. Looks like he’s applying to be on the crystal maze.

21:50
ISRAEL: I genuintely don’t know what to make of that. She sounds like a dog choking on a chicken bone.

21:46
HUNGARY: Ha! this is more like it! The bloke singing it can’t carry a tune in a bucket, but it’s certainly more upbeat than some of the dreck on before it.

21:42
SWEDEN: I always like Sweden’s songs… unfortunately, this year isn’t one of their best. Bring back Carola, that’s what I say!

21:34
MOLDOVA: I’m not typing anything as I’m actually watching this one. It’s been the most eurovision-ny one so far.

21:34
BULGARIA: I take it we’re reaching the dreary stages, or the bit where I get bored… not sure which yet, but this one isn’t very good at all.

21:30
FINLAND: Redeeming features: 0. Not a fan of that one at all. Something about monsters being under the bed.

21:22
AUSTRALIA: I really fancy a dairy milk after seeing that dress. Very generic song.

21:18
DENMARK: I don’t think I can listen to anyone whose eyes are that close together. A bit unfair, however, as the song isn’t TOO bad. In fact, as it’s gone on, it’s grown on me. Not bad at all.

21:14
CZECH REPUBLIC: Cack. Absolute cack. Swing/Jazz is sooooo 1994.

21:11
FRANCE: It’s not great, is it? It’ll probably win.

21:06
ALBANIA: Oooh, this one isn’t bad. I do like the occasional acoustic guitar. He also looks like Photonicinduction. I keep expecting him to smash a lightbulb, then shout “I ain’t ‘avin’ it!” But yes, I do like this one very, very much.

21:02
GERMANY: It’s Ed Sheeran on a budget isn’t it? Totally ripping off every Adele Song.

21:00
SERBIA: Forgettable entry from a hipster, and someone wrapped in boiler cladding slapping fuck out of some oil drums. Nil points. Still trying to find out what that prick shouted

20:52
UNITED KINGDOM: SuRie – Storm. This is the only one I’ve actually heard (unsurprisingly), and I really like it.If politics weren’t involved, we might have had a chance of winning.

And someone ran on stage during our song. Sigh. I’m going to rewind that and see what happened.

Apparently, the intruder grabbed the mic, and shouted something foreign.

20:46
PORTUGAL: Oooh, I don’t mind this one. Pretty minimalist with just a piano in the background, but I do like it.

20:43
NORWAY: Yeah, this one isn’t great. Probably the catchiest one so far. Same lines over and over again. Nil points

20:39
Opera. Maybe this is a good a time as any to open my first can. It’s only uphill from here…. Clever dress though, that apparently cost €65,000. I wonder how many glasses just broke?

20:34
AUSTRIA: I think this is probably my favourite song so far. But please, enough of the crowd interaction. CErtainly my favourite so far.

20:30
LITHUANIA: Started off ever so slightly out of tune. Unless that’s just my ears. It’d probably be a good song, but she’s got a weird voice. Sounds a bit like her who just died out of The Cranberries. Have they banned snare drums from this years’ competition?

20:22
SLOVENIA: I doubt this one will do well at all, it’s pretty generic. I think I’d rather hear Spain’e entry again, and that almost put me in a coma. Some pointless crowd interaction there. You’re supposed to sing the song, petal, not them.

I thought these songs were only supposed to last three minutes? That felt like it went on for a fortnight.

20:22
SPAIN: Oh my god, I can’t stand this one already. I can’t understand the lyrics, but it’s setting my fucking diabetes off. NEXT! My predition is that it’ll do well. Really well.

20:18
UKRAINE: It’s slightly catchy, in a “Self Control – wo-oo-ooah” style way. The guy looks like if Declan Connelly became a vampire. And oh shit, the stairs are on fire!

I haven’t started drinking yet.

20:13
Apparently, in China, you can’t have tattoos on television, so it’s been banned. OH WELL.

20:09
Oh joy. There’s a flag ceremony.

UPDATE Dec 2018: Well, this post generated absolutely no interest, so this will be the last one of these you’ll ever see. Never mind, eh? I’m sure you’ll all sleep soundly in your beds knowing I’ll not waste any more time on these.