Eurosong Fever 2023!

UPDATE: A server move has corrupted this post somewhat – the encoding has changed the foreign characters to a bunch of symbols…. grrr. One day I might fix it. Probably not.)

Oh yes. It’s that time of year again. It’s Eurovision 2023! Join me, as I go through the runners and riders, criticise their songs, and generally make fun of the entire thing. It’s going to be great! Now, this is going to be in realtime, so please refresh this page (F5) to get the latest version.

Right, so it’s started now. And it all starts off with a “special” version of last years’ Ukraine entry. Some video inserts, and now they’re ‘performing’ it live at the venue. I wonder how long it’s going to go on for, because so far it’s felt like 2 hours, and we’ve not even started yet. Oh, there’s a flag parade. I think this might be the best time for me to go and get some beer.

Austria: Teya & Salena – Who The Hell Is Edgar?

Oh god, yeah, this one is going to do well. It was in the semi-finals and everyone loved it. Po po po po pooooo. I remember quite liking it. I think it’ll do well because it’s pretty damn catchy. Will it win? Never more. Not sure what that whole 0.003 bit was about.

Portugal: Mimicat РAi Cora̤̣o.

No song has won from position number two. this one starts off like “I Will Survive”. I remember this one sort-of having a Tetris vibe to it. I didn’t think it’d get through to the final, but it did, despite some of the much better numbers such as Ireland going home. That was a surprise. Below is the running order, which I’m gojng to fill in as it goes, naturally. It’s just making things easier for me. Doing this now, because this song is entirely forgettable, and I don’t think it’s going to get anywhere….

Switzerland: Remo Forrer – Watergun

I really dislike this one. Something about not wanting to be a soldier, and instead, playing with water guns. Slooooooow. Not a fan. It’s going to do well, because it’s about war.

Poland: Blanka – Solo

Apparently, it’s catchy. Let’s hope so. It’s like Ace of Base. In a way. It’s OK. Infinitely better than the last trash. It’s going to bug me though, because there’s a bit that sounds like another song and I can’t think what. It’ll come to me at some point tonight. Yeah, that one’s alright. It’s grown on me since I heard it in the semi-final Hope it does well. My fave of the night so far.

Serbia: Luke Black – Samo Mi Se Spava

I didn’t like this one, but the crowd seemed to love it. Not catchy at all. It’s one of those songs that wants to be something that it isn’t. Absolutely no memorable quality, except maybe that “Hello” but. and that’s literally it.

France: La Zarra – Évidemment

Ahh, now, one of the first that I haven’t heard before properly. Oh, god, can it get any slower? Ah, there we go. It’s licked in quite a lot. That first 30 seonds was dire. It’s not bad. No idea what she’s singing about, because it’s entirely in French. It’s probably about double glazing or something. Yeah, there’s definitely been worse. Not catchy, but the crowd are loving it.

Now there’s a recap of some of the interval acts from the sem-finals. Most of which I fast forwareded at the time, so I have absolutely no idea. Thankfully, I haven’t missed much. Apart from Dustin The turkey. Who remembers him?

Cyprus: Andrew Lambrou – Break A Broken Heart

Best intro so far. Downhill after three seconds though. Ohhh, it’s one of those that’s going to go either way. It’s either going to be great and actually kick off, or it’s just going to sit around and do nothing for three minutes. Yeah, this one’s OK. Not going to queue and get the CD for it, but it’s not going to make me run somewhere and kick the radio off the wall. Have a feeling it’ll do well.

Spain: Blanca Paloma – Eaea

Another one of the “Big Five” that didn’t have to go through the semi-final stage, so I have no idea what this one sounds like. I’ve heard rumours that it’s supposed to be good, though.

Well, this one wasn’t worth waiting for. Sounds like they’re playing the backing track to the wrong songs. Sounds like she’s in pain, poor lass. this isn’t going to do amazing.

Sweden: Loreen – Tattoo

I remember her microphone sounded weird in the semi-finals. She was wearing one of those jaw mics, and it didn’t sound good at all. Well, it still sounded the name, so maybe it’s meant to be like that? The song itself isn’t bad. Apparently, it’s been streamed 55,000,000 times. It’s written by one of the members of Amaranthe, so that might have had something to do with the reason why it’s so popular. It’s going to do well.

Albania: Albina & Familja Kelmendi – Duje

You’re only allowed 6 memembers on stage, and they’re all the same family. It’s… Well, I’d nortmally say it’s different, but there;’s no such thing as that in Eurovision. In fact, Spain also started with that screaming stuff. Dance moves with hankies. Yup. That’s Eurovision for you. Forgettable. When the song finishes, it will never sweep through my brain again. Definitely a bottom halfer.

Italy: Marco Mengoni – Due Vite

He’s a big star in Italy, apparently. Again, the first time I’ve heard this one, and, yeah. It’s alright, if a little slow. It’s in Italian, so I have no idea what he’s on about. Prima la musica? I love music? Does that mean I can speak Italian now? Scorchio! It’ll probably do well.

Estonia: Alika – Bridges

Oh yes. I think Tom showed me this one. It’s a piano that played itself. I tried to look for the floppy drive on it, but couldn’t see it. I remember seeing one of those automatic pianos with a floppy drive on it. No sign of it though. Where the maker’s mark shiould be, it says “Estonia”. Nice touch. I quite like this one, in a “It’s better than the majority” vibe. Yes, I do actually like this one. Hope it does well.

Finland: Käärijä – Cha Cha Cha

Apparently, the dancers to a ‘human caterpillar’ dance move. Interesting I’m sure. Well, this is all about the stage performance. Oh, wait. Not quite the human caterpillar I thought he was referring to. The crowd absolutely love this one, and I have to admit, it’s catchy. It’s be very surprised if this wasn’t top 3. it’s 100% Eurovision

Czechia: Vesna – My Sister’s Crown

‘We’re not Your Dolls’, apparently. Oh, go away. I like the little flute sample in the background. I’m not sure what the song is about. Porbabbly something about GURL POWER. I think I’d like an instrumental version of this. Impressive ponytails though, if they’re real. I like the music, not the song.

Australia: Voyager – Promise

Yeah, this one’s actually quite good. Rocky, synthy vibe. this one’s great. I think Jamie S would actually like this one. I’d probably say this one’s my favourite of the nights. It’s the one I’ve not had to think about liking. If you’ve ever heard ‘Beast In Black’, it reminds me of them in a way. Synthy rock. this is right up my flagpole. I’d love to see this do very well.

Belgium: Gustaph – Because Of You

Well, the crowd like it, and it’s pretty upbeat. this is your typical Eurovision fodder. If you typed “Write me a Eurovision Entry” into ChatGPT, this is the type of stuff it’d come up with. I can’t help but think it’s completely, and utterly forgettable in every way, shape and form., but no, I do remember this one from the semi-finals, so that’s got to mean something.

Armenia: Brunette – Future Lover

I didn’t like this one at all in the semi-finals. It just seems tuneless, especially compared to the previous song. Admittedly, I like it a little more than I did in the semi-finals, but I doin’t think it’s going to do well. That’ll probably mean it’ll win, then.

Moldova: Pasha Parfeni – Soarele ÅŸi Luna

This is just weird. There’s a dwarf, named Sergio, playing a Moldovan flute or something (a Caval, apparently). 15/10 for the stange perfornace…. 8 out of 10 for the song. I’d like this to do well because it’s had the best staging of the night so far.

Ukraine: TVORCHI – Heart of Steel

Apparently, their name means “Creative” in Ukranian. Every day’s a school day. again, another one I haven’t heard. this year’s slightly different, because I watched the semi-final for the first time. I’ve never done that before, so some of the songs I’ve heard, but there are six that I haven’t. Well, I can quite honestly say, they’re not winning any votes this year.

Norway: Alessandra – Queen of Kings

This was the first one I heard in the semi-finals and I really, really liked it. Really catchy tune, and again, another Eurovision staple. Reminds me very much of “Wolves of the Sea” from a few years ago. It sounds like a ‘GURL POWERZ’ type song, but it’s catchy enough for me to still like it.

For the record… Wolves of the Sea was the Latvian entry at the Eurovision Song Contest 2008 in Belgrade performed by the group Pirates of the Sea. It qualified from the second semifinal in 6th place. In the final, it was performed 10th following Belarus and preceding Croatia. At the close of voting, it finished in 12th place with 83 points.

Germany: Lord of the Lost – Blood & Glitter

Ohhhh, this one’s supposed to be the winner. I haven’t heard it, but just by the looks of them, it looks like it should be right up my strasse. Hahaha. Yes, this is amazing. Over-the-top costumes, metal with a buried piano. It’s like Lordi are back. There’s a screamy bit too. If I needed a reason to run out and buy the soundstrack, it’s this, Norway, and Australia. Graham Norton hated it. Brilliant!

Lithuania: Monika LinkytÄ— – Stay

Oh yes. I’m sure Tom at work kicked off about this one because she appeared back in 2015 with essentially the same song. I just nodded and agreed. I was just excited that I had someone to talk about Eurovision with, even if it was for a brielf 10 minutes. Yes, I like this one, even if it does allegedly sound like a previous entry. Anthemic? Is that the right word? Don’t know. It does start off a bit slow, but that chorus sticks with you.

Israel: Noa Kirel – Unicorn

I heard something about this one being popular. Apparently she’s really big in Isreal. The song is not amazing. I think this one is all about the dancing Phew. Not sure that’d come across well on the CD though. Not quite sure what the power of a unicorn is… Fart rainbows? Admittedly, I don’t think I blinked during the entire time of that dance.

Slovenia: Joker Out – Carpe Diem

very generic. the crowd were clapping away to it, which is usually a good sign that it’ll do well. It’s on the acceptable side of generic though. Yeah, go on then, I quite like it. there, I said it. The beer must be taking effect. Singer looks like him out of China Crisis.

Croatia: Let 3 – Mama Å ÄŒ!

Oh, they’re doing a video of Whitby in the build-up. Apparently, these are going to be Croatia’s version of Monty Python. And if they win, they’re going to perform their reprise completely naked. There’s not going to be any chance of that happens. If they win, I’ll run over to Liverpool in the break, get up and join them completely naked. This is dire. I can hear the word ‘syncophant’. Or something like that, and that’s all I can understand. the crowd loved it? No accountinfg for taste.

United Kingdom: Mae Muller – I Wrote A Song

the last song of the night. Another one I haven’t heard. Well, not fully. As tradition, I try to avoid our songs until this very moment. Well, it’s catchy, I’ll give it that. Whether it’s enough to save it from the middle / bottom half of the table, I don’t think so. I wonder what they do with all of these custom LED panels when the show’s finished. It’s a shame that it’s all over for another year. It’s a shame that my original plans for the night fell through, but at least I’ve got to spend it with both of my readers. I’ll be back on when the otes start. I’m not going anywhere.

After the jury votes, we’re…. not doing well, but Germany are doing worse. I’m very surprised. I liked that song.

And the next update will be the final score…. apart from this one… It’s cormed we’ve finished 2nd last underneath Germany. Oh well.

And here’s your final score.

I enjoyed every second of that. Already looking forward to next year. And that concludes this blog post. Same time next year?

Eurosong Fever 2021!

Ahhh, it seems like an absolute age since I’ve done this, but in approxiamtely 20 minutes time, the Eurovision Song Contest 2021 will be kicking off. It seems loike an age since the last one, and it is, because the “panny d” put paid to last years’ show.

This year, I’ve not watched any of the buildup, or the “qualifying rounds”, because really, if your song is bad enough to be knocked out of the qualifyers of Eurovision, your song must have a turd in a blender as your lead vocalist.

Anyhoooo, watch this space, as it’s the only “realtime” post I do of the year…. For the record, and because I believe this is the order they’all appear, here’s all the songs, and I’ll fill in my comments for each of them as I hear them!

Apparently, there’s a walk-on now (because everything has to have a walk on now), and they’re playing a remix of “Venus”. Ugh.

Elena Tsagrinou – El Diablo (Cyprus)

Huh. Well, this reminds me of something Lady Ga Ga would throw out. I have a feeling it’s not going to be the worst one I hear tonight. I actually quite like this one. I haven’t even had a drink yet.

Anxhela Peristeri Karma (Albania)

Onto song 2, and the first one in a language I don’t understand. Looks a little bit like Carol Vorderman (amusing! Graham Norton just mentioned that), but apparently has a decent set of pipes. the song isn’t really my cup of tea. Won’t be hunting this one down.

Eden Alene – Set Me Free (Israel)

Apparently she’s going to attempt the highest note ever performed at Eurovision. This should be fun.

Meh. Wasn’t that good.

Hooverphonic – The Wrong Place (Belgium)

I llke the band name, douze points. And the song isn’t bad either. I really like this one. Something about a Johnny Cash T-shirt. It did slip down the list as the night went on as the better songs came through.

Manizha – Russian Woman (Russia, unsurprisingly)

We’re about 30 seconds into this one, and I really, really dislike it. I’d definitely be skipping this if it came on Spotify. “BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO BE”…. what, a quid for the parking meter?

Destiny – Je Me Casse (Malta)

Means “I’m Outta here”, apparently. this one’s pretty catchy, with those sax samples. It’ll probably do well.

The Black Mamba – Love Is On My Side (Portugal)

With a band name such as that, I expected a much more energetic peformance. This one’s just the usual forgettable rubbish. We have a winner.

Hurricane – Loco Loco (Serbia)

Another one that’s not in English, but… it’s got a decent tune, and dare I say it’s probably been my favourite so far? Been quite a lousy batch so far if I’m honest. Considering they’ve had two years to prepare, I expected more, even if they’re a new batch of songs entirely.

James Newman – Embers (United Kingdom)

Song nine. Song NEIN more like. Not a fan of this at all. Can’t see us getting much for this to be honest. Seems like it’s been going on for about 5 minutes. Pretty much just the same thing over and over again.

Stefania – Last Dance (Greece)

I’m looking at the list of how many acts there is to go… and then I realise I’m going to be missing BigCliveLive for this. Suddenly, this one picks up and it’s actually quite good. Interesting use of green screen effects. Think we have a new leader for my favourite.

Gjon’s Tears – Tout l’Univers (Switzerland)

It’s a no from me. Sounds a bit like Jimmy Somerville. Too slow. Tries the whole bombastic thing at the end for about 30 seconds, but it’s too late for all that now.

Da̡i og Gagnamagni̡ Р10 Years (Iceland)

I can imagine that the singer is going to break my encoding, and that name will proibably end up about 48 random characters. I haver no idea what those keyboard / guitar combos are, but I want one. Nice use of rhythm guitar. Another one I really like. Ohhh, those three keyboards join up and they forma circle. that was great.

Blas Cantó – Voy A Quedarme (Spain)

I’m all for gimmicks, and apparently, this is the biggest prop ever used in Eurovision. a 6 metre long moon. Song’s crap. Wanted him to stand under the moon, for it to snap, and a comedy “splat” sound. Didn’t happen.

Natalia Gordienko – SUGAR (Moldova)

NOPE. Not a fan of this one. Sounds like something that should have been left in the early 2000s.

Jendrik – I Don’t Feel Hate (Germany)

LOL. “This is marmite, if everyone hated mermite.” Surprisingly, I don’t hate this. I don’t have a clue what he’s blabbing on about, but to give it its due, it’s catchy.

Blind Channel – Dark Side (Finland)

I said to t’other Jamie over Facebook that he’d like this one…. “this is fantastc” was his reply, and I have to agree. It’s nice to have something different to what’s been so far. After a slow start, the songs are starting to pick up, and I haven’t even opened a beer yet.

VICTORIA – Growing Up Is Getting Old (Bulgaria)

Well, this is the most depressing song so far. Just a reminder that old age comes to us all, and one day we’ll get sick and die. Thanks for that.

The Roop – Discoteque (Lithuania)

Entirely forgettable. Yellow suits. No tune. Bloke looks a lit like him out of Human League. I could probably hear this 50 times in a row and not remember any of it. I’m not going to though. Hopefully, that’ll be the last time I hear that.

Go_A – Shum (Ukraine)

Folk tunes mixed with dance, apparently…. and unsurprisingly, I really like it. Can’t see it getting anywhere, but it’s right up my strasse.

Barbara Pravi – Voilà (France)

Apparently one of the favourites. Can’t see why. Possibly the most forgettable song of the lot so far. She’s probably a decent singer, but seeing as it’s in French, the should be singing about her bloody shopping list for all I know. Naaaaaaaaah.

Efendi – Mata Hari (Azerbaijan)

Nope, don’t think much of this one either.

TIX – Fallen Angel (Norway)

that one’s really good too. I got a bit distraced because I went o put the light on, but I’d probably say it’s on my top 3 so far? Think the staging could have been better though.

Jeangu Macrooy – Birth Of A New Age (The Netherlands)

Definitely not a fan of this one.

MÃ¥neskin – Zitti E Buoni (Italy)

ROTFL… “Maybe it’s grow on me, like mould on a bathroom ceiling”. Graham Norton’s comments crack me up. It’s supposed to be heavy metal. The only thing heavy is my head, as I try to think something decent about this. It’s certainly not “heavy metal”. I was looking forward to this one, and now I’m just disappointed.

Tusse – Voices (Sweden)

I usually like Sweden’s songs, they always come out with some classics. This one’s…. not really one of them. Pretty forgettable. Not the worst I’ve heard tonight. Ah, key change. Now THAT’S Eurovision.

Senhit – Adrenalina (San Marino)

And so, this is the final one. Not a bad batch of entries if I’m honest. Flow-Rider doesn’t improve this one in the least.

And that’s your lot. Wasn’t that fun? Now it’s the tedium of an hour-long half-time show while the votes are counted. Not calling, and I’m not installing an app to vote. so I guess I’ll just have to put up with it. Think I’ll open those beers now. I’ve also fixed the “bold” HTML tag.

Well, wasn’t that fun? Glad to see we did well as usual. And that concludes your Eurovision coverage for another year.

I’ve got Eurosong fever, Ted…

Ahhh, yes. It’s the only Saturday night of the year I look forward to. It’s Eurovision night. the only night of the year where I can quite happily enjoy 20-odd songs of questionable garbage. And, as is tradition, I shall comment on here regarding my findings. So this post will look bare right now, but it will fill up as the night goes on, from when it all kicks off at 8. BRING ON THE CRAP!

Well, before it’s started, Status Quo have just been on the lottery. I’ve always had a soft spot for The Quo, and this isn’t bad. I’m not going to be running all the way to Amazon to buy it, but it if came on the radio, I wouldn’t turn it off. Though, chances of it actually being played on the radio are rather slim.

20:02: Oh dear. It’s a Eurovision butterfly.

20:05: Yeah, so they’re going through the buildup. They’re singing the new European anthem. Or something. It’s done by Avici and one of the blokes out of Abba.

20:14 – FRANCE

She really need to brush her hair. Song slightly reminds me of Black Velvet. I can’t remember the name of the song.

20:18 – LITHUANIA (Something)

That’s the song name. I missed part of the song while I went to get the laptop, but it was average.

20:29 Oh oh, oh oh a-ding-dong. I missed most of the last few minutes, I’ve just got my MP3 player to work properly.

20:31 – SPAIN (ESDM)

A song that stoarts off with bagpipes will either go one way or the other. It went the good way. I really liked that.

20:36 – BELGIUM

Poor guy looks like a young Chris De Burgh.

20:39 – ESTONIA

Oh, here we are, shitty, slow ballad that’ll probably do really well, even though it doesn’t deserve to. And dry ice.

20:43 – BELARUS

I’m sure this is on one of Shakira’s CDs. I like it. Except she appears to go Brummie… “When the sun is always shining on YAAAOW”. I missed the end of this song due to the fact iplayer crapped out.

09: MALTA

I realise it probably makes more sense to but the track number than the time.

10: RUSSIA (DINA GARIPOVA – WHAT IF)

I missed most of this, as I have broken the seal. didn’t seem to impressive

11: GERMANY

This wouldn’t sound out of place in a club somewhere. Come on, where are the daft songs? We’re up to number 11, and I haven’t cringed once.

12: ARMENIA

Composed by one of those blokes out of Black Sabbath. Hmm. Those flame effects are a bit yellow. they want to check for carbon monoxide right about there.

13: NETHERLANDS

Well, there was a brief pause there for a “comedy” film, and back to the songs. this is the worst one I’ve heard so far, which means, it’ll probably do really well. Slow, very little melody, and singer isn’t much of a looker. NEXT! Wow we’re half way through ,and I haven’t got bored of doing this yet. Hope you’re staying tuned.

14: ROMAINIA

Ah, here we go, the daft songs! Some bloke singing like an opera singer. I have no idea what he’s singing about.

15: GREAT BRITAIN

Here we go! I don’t know why they keep recycling old singers. Sponglebert Jumpydink last year, this year Bonnie Tyler. It’s the first time I’ve heard it, and so far it’s actually rather pedestrian. Where are the gimmicks? We wouldn’t have won in 1981 if it wasn’t for the miniskirts. We wouldn’t have won in 1997 if the singer wasn’t Canadian. It’s not great. but I do love Bonnie Tyler.

16: SWEDEN (ROBIN STJERNBERG – YOU

I usually have a soft spot for Sweden’s entries. One of my favourite songs is “Invincible / Evighet” by Carola. Unfortunately, this doesn’t meet up to the same standard as that.

17: HUNGARY

Yeah, I’m not always watching the screen, so to answer a question, that’s why I’m only putting certain track names in. the guy has glasses like I had when I was 8.

18: DENMARK

Apparently, this is the favourite to win it. Same with bagpipes. songles with penny whistles in them can go one way or another. I can see why this is the favourite, as I’m really, really liking it. Golden confetti really fucks with the iplayer stream.

19. ICELAND

Not bad, though the singer looks like the love child of Rick Wakeman, and Rod out of Rod, Jane & Freddy.

20 AZEJ…. AZJERBI…. ABERJI…. BORAT

Bloke in a box. Instant flashbacks of Peter Griffin cocking his leg and farting. What happens if there’s a fire and he needs to get out there? Now they’re filling the box with rose petals! Let’s hope the guy doesn’t have hay fever.

21: GREECE

A track called “Alcohol is Free”. and YES! This is the type of shit I was this for. Mad as a yard of mince. Douse Points!

22: UKRAINE

Singer carried on my 7′ 8″ bloke with size 24 feet. Big feet, big socks. I bet he can’t walk into Primani and get a back of five near the counter. Song forgettable.

23: ITALY

this was at number one for 8 weeks in Italy. I’d love to check the records and see when the last time we had a Eurovision song at number one BEFORE the contest. I’ll bet it’s a while ago. Music in Italy must be non-existant if this sold well. I don’t like it at all.

Is there a break soon? I need a wee.

24: NORWAY

Graham Norton’s just given his first warning about strobe effects. Now, so far before every song that uses them, it warns you with a big banner across the screen. Surely, if he’s giving the warning audibly, the only people who are listening, are those who can’t actually see, negating the need to audibly announce the strobing effects.

I’ve not actually listened to the song. I’m still trying to work the warning.

25: GEORGIA

It’s like a modern version of “Save Your Love”. One more song and then I can get a packet of Monster Munch and a piss. Not at the same time, might I add.

26: IRELAND

Normally they have good songs. Heavy percussion is a bonus, so I like the backing track but the song itself really isn’t amazeballs.

SONG’S FINISHED. To the toilet!

22:39
Right, here we go. Results time. 39 results to go.

22:49
29 results to go, and we’re second last, with one point. We need to pull out of this shit.

And, it was around that part of the night I gave up. We’d lost horribly, and I had some other things to play with, so I went off with those. We didn’t finish last. I think we were about 5th last. Can’t remember, don’t particularly care. Still, it was an enjoyable mess of songs. Some catchy, some complete dross, and some I’m actually considering buying. All in all, it’s been just like every other Eurovision. Except, it’s just not the same since Terry stopped doing it…