Speechless. Absolutely speechless.

I’ve been on this planet for 33 years. Technically, I’ve been alive longer than Jesus. It is not until this moment I have witnessed stupidity like this. I’m not talking “sticking-a fork-into-a-plug-socket” stupid, after all, we’ve all been curious after licking the connections on a 9v battery. I’m taking this to a whole new level of stupid. This is a good one.

I’m talking pens here. Yeah, stay with me as this will be worth it. What is your first memory of holding a pen? Was it drawing shapes on the covers of your dad’s favourite and now priceless records? Do you remember drawing nonsensical circular scribblings on your birth certificate, because it happened to have been left in the reach of little hands? ? Do you lie awake at night, pining for the smell of old fashioned permanent markers before they took all of the chemicals out? Do you still think back to the days, in infants, when Peter Thompson fell out with you, because he wanted to use the green crayon you were using, and instead of lending him it, you were greedy and kept it all to yourself?

Is the answer no, to all of the above? Well, then. You’re completely and utterly normal! It’s drummed into us at an early age, so it becomes almost like instinct, that a 6-inch plastic instrument with a point on the end, will leave some mark on the paper that the pointed end makes contact with. We are all to young to remember it.

Imagine my surprise, when in Asda tonight, I found some markers. You know, normal markers. A bit like sharpies in their design. Perfectly acceptable for writing “PORNO” on the last DVD you’ve just burned. Nothing special. Except these markers had directions for use.

“Select a pen and remove the cap to reveal the point. Touch the pen to the writing surface and move along the material to leave an ink mark as desired”. I absolutely shit you not. That is the directions on them.

Right now, when it comes to typing the blog, I am at a standstill. where do I go with this? Octopuses tentacles full of writing material are flailing in every direction. Do I take the piss? Do I question why these directions were needed?

All I can think of is that these pens were designed and made by humans. Those directions of use were typed up by a human. Somewhere down the chain, there must be a whiteboard, or a document saying “These are going to manufacture. These directions of use must be on them”. Nowhere, during that process, did someone think “Aren’t we over-simplifying things here?” For instance, the guy, at the keyboard of the printer… maybe they got paid for filling both sides of the pen up with text?

I’ll never know. It’s hurting what’s left of my brain thinking about it.

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I'm a man of few words. Any questions?

11 thoughts on “Speechless. Absolutely speechless.”

  1. To be honest, if you need instructions to use a pen, then you’re probably too thick to know how to read the instructions, or indeed to write anything with the pen

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