It’s Eurovision time, 2018 style!!

Oh yes, the time of year I await with baited breath. As with previous years, I’ll be going through and reviewing each entry, so this is a live post. Keep reloading, as I’ll be updating this through out the night, with the latest update first…

23:50
And here endeth the Aurovision for another year. A controversial night, and not a great winner. Reminds me too much of that “Bom Bom” song

22:07
ITALY: I’d probably like this one, but the suject martial’s put me right off. Thankfully this is the last one, I can go and get something to eat after this!

22:03
CYPRUS: This is supposed to be the favourite. Not sure why, it’s nothing special

21:58
IRELAND: Usuaully a fan favourite. Never realised they hadn’t been in it for five years though. That streetlight isn’t giving out much light though. The song wasn’t bad.

21:55
NETHERLANDS: Never a fan of country, and this one is no exception. Looks like he’s applying to be on the crystal maze.

21:50
ISRAEL: I genuintely don’t know what to make of that. She sounds like a dog choking on a chicken bone.

21:46
HUNGARY: Ha! this is more like it! The bloke singing it can’t carry a tune in a bucket, but it’s certainly more upbeat than some of the dreck on before it.

21:42
SWEDEN: I always like Sweden’s songs… unfortunately, this year isn’t one of their best. Bring back Carola, that’s what I say!

21:34
MOLDOVA: I’m not typing anything as I’m actually watching this one. It’s been the most eurovision-ny one so far.

21:34
BULGARIA: I take it we’re reaching the dreary stages, or the bit where I get bored… not sure which yet, but this one isn’t very good at all.

21:30
FINLAND: Redeeming features: 0. Not a fan of that one at all. Something about monsters being under the bed.

21:22
AUSTRALIA: I really fancy a dairy milk after seeing that dress. Very generic song.

21:18
DENMARK: I don’t think I can listen to anyone whose eyes are that close together. A bit unfair, however, as the song isn’t TOO bad. In fact, as it’s gone on, it’s grown on me. Not bad at all.

21:14
CZECH REPUBLIC: Cack. Absolute cack. Swing/Jazz is sooooo 1994.

21:11
FRANCE: It’s not great, is it? It’ll probably win.

21:06
ALBANIA: Oooh, this one isn’t bad. I do like the occasional acoustic guitar. He also looks like Photonicinduction. I keep expecting him to smash a lightbulb, then shout “I ain’t ‘avin’ it!” But yes, I do like this one very, very much.

21:02
GERMANY: It’s Ed Sheeran on a budget isn’t it? Totally ripping off every Adele Song.

21:00
SERBIA: Forgettable entry from a hipster, and someone wrapped in boiler cladding slapping fuck out of some oil drums. Nil points. Still trying to find out what that prick shouted

20:52
UNITED KINGDOM: SuRie – Storm. This is the only one I’ve actually heard (unsurprisingly), and I really like it.If politics weren’t involved, we might have had a chance of winning.

And someone ran on stage during our song. Sigh. I’m going to rewind that and see what happened.

Apparently, the intruder grabbed the mic, and shouted something foreign.

20:46
PORTUGAL: Oooh, I don’t mind this one. Pretty minimalist with just a piano in the background, but I do like it.

20:43
NORWAY: Yeah, this one isn’t great. Probably the catchiest one so far. Same lines over and over again. Nil points

20:39
Opera. Maybe this is a good a time as any to open my first can. It’s only uphill from here…. Clever dress though, that apparently cost €65,000. I wonder how many glasses just broke?

20:34
AUSTRIA: I think this is probably my favourite song so far. But please, enough of the crowd interaction. CErtainly my favourite so far.

20:30
LITHUANIA: Started off ever so slightly out of tune. Unless that’s just my ears. It’d probably be a good song, but she’s got a weird voice. Sounds a bit like her who just died out of The Cranberries. Have they banned snare drums from this years’ competition?

20:22
SLOVENIA: I doubt this one will do well at all, it’s pretty generic. I think I’d rather hear Spain’e entry again, and that almost put me in a coma. Some pointless crowd interaction there. You’re supposed to sing the song, petal, not them.

I thought these songs were only supposed to last three minutes? That felt like it went on for a fortnight.

20:22
SPAIN: Oh my god, I can’t stand this one already. I can’t understand the lyrics, but it’s setting my fucking diabetes off. NEXT! My predition is that it’ll do well. Really well.

20:18
UKRAINE: It’s slightly catchy, in a “Self Control – wo-oo-ooah” style way. The guy looks like if Declan Connelly became a vampire. And oh shit, the stairs are on fire!

I haven’t started drinking yet.

20:13
Apparently, in China, you can’t have tattoos on television, so it’s been banned. OH WELL.

20:09
Oh joy. There’s a flag ceremony.

I’ve got Eurosong fever, Ted…

Ahhh, yes. It’s the only Saturday night of the year I look forward to. It’s Eurovision night. the only night of the year where I can quite happily enjoy 20-odd songs of questionable garbage. And, as is tradition, I shall comment on here regarding my findings. So this post will look bare right now, but it will fill up as the night goes on, from when it all kicks off at 8. BRING ON THE CRAP!

Well, before it’s started, Status Quo have just been on the lottery. I’ve always had a soft spot for The Quo, and this isn’t bad. I’m not going to be running all the way to Amazon to buy it, but it if came on the radio, I wouldn’t turn it off. Though, chances of it actually being played on the radio are rather slim.

20:02: Oh dear. It’s a Eurovision butterfly.

20:05: Yeah, so they’re going through the buildup. They’re singing the new European anthem. Or something. It’s done by Avici and one of the blokes out of Abba.

20:14 – FRANCE

She really need to brush her hair. Song slightly reminds me of Black Velvet. I can’t remember the name of the song.

20:18 – LITHUANIA (Something)

That’s the song name. I missed part of the song while I went to get the laptop, but it was average.

20:29 Oh oh, oh oh a-ding-dong. I missed most of the last few minutes, I’ve just got my MP3 player to work properly.

20:31 – SPAIN (ESDM)

A song that stoarts off with bagpipes will either go one way or the other. It went the good way. I really liked that.

20:36 – BELGIUM

Poor guy looks like a young Chris De Burgh.

20:39 – ESTONIA

Oh, here we are, shitty, slow ballad that’ll probably do really well, even though it doesn’t deserve to. And dry ice.

20:43 – BELARUS

I’m sure this is on one of Shakira’s CDs. I like it. Except she appears to go Brummie… “When the sun is always shining on YAAAOW”. I missed the end of this song due to the fact iplayer crapped out.

09: MALTA

I realise it probably makes more sense to but the track number than the time.

10: RUSSIA (DINA GARIPOVA – WHAT IF)

I missed most of this, as I have broken the seal. didn’t seem to impressive

11: GERMANY

This wouldn’t sound out of place in a club somewhere. Come on, where are the daft songs? We’re up to number 11, and I haven’t cringed once.

12: ARMENIA

Composed by one of those blokes out of Black Sabbath. Hmm. Those flame effects are a bit yellow. they want to check for carbon monoxide right about there.

13: NETHERLANDS

Well, there was a brief pause there for a “comedy” film, and back to the songs. this is the worst one I’ve heard so far, which means, it’ll probably do really well. Slow, very little melody, and singer isn’t much of a looker. NEXT! Wow we’re half way through ,and I haven’t got bored of doing this yet. Hope you’re staying tuned.

14: ROMAINIA

Ah, here we go, the daft songs! Some bloke singing like an opera singer. I have no idea what he’s singing about.

15: GREAT BRITAIN

Here we go! I don’t know why they keep recycling old singers. Sponglebert Jumpydink last year, this year Bonnie Tyler. It’s the first time I’ve heard it, and so far it’s actually rather pedestrian. Where are the gimmicks? We wouldn’t have won in 1981 if it wasn’t for the miniskirts. We wouldn’t have won in 1997 if the singer wasn’t Canadian. It’s not great. but I do love Bonnie Tyler.

16: SWEDEN (ROBIN STJERNBERG – YOU

I usually have a soft spot for Sweden’s entries. One of my favourite songs is “Invincible / Evighet” by Carola. Unfortunately, this doesn’t meet up to the same standard as that.

17: HUNGARY

Yeah, I’m not always watching the screen, so to answer a question, that’s why I’m only putting certain track names in. the guy has glasses like I had when I was 8.

18: DENMARK

Apparently, this is the favourite to win it. Same with bagpipes. songles with penny whistles in them can go one way or another. I can see why this is the favourite, as I’m really, really liking it. Golden confetti really fucks with the iplayer stream.

19. ICELAND

Not bad, though the singer looks like the love child of Rick Wakeman, and Rod out of Rod, Jane & Freddy.

20 AZEJ…. AZJERBI…. ABERJI…. BORAT

Bloke in a box. Instant flashbacks of Peter Griffin cocking his leg and farting. What happens if there’s a fire and he needs to get out there? Now they’re filling the box with rose petals! Let’s hope the guy doesn’t have hay fever.

21: GREECE

A track called “Alcohol is Free”. and YES! This is the type of shit I was this for. Mad as a yard of mince. Douse Points!

22: UKRAINE

Singer carried on my 7′ 8″ bloke with size 24 feet. Big feet, big socks. I bet he can’t walk into Primani and get a back of five near the counter. Song forgettable.

23: ITALY

this was at number one for 8 weeks in Italy. I’d love to check the records and see when the last time we had a Eurovision song at number one BEFORE the contest. I’ll bet it’s a while ago. Music in Italy must be non-existant if this sold well. I don’t like it at all.

Is there a break soon? I need a wee.

24: NORWAY

Graham Norton’s just given his first warning about strobe effects. Now, so far before every song that uses them, it warns you with a big banner across the screen. Surely, if he’s giving the warning audibly, the only people who are listening, are those who can’t actually see, negating the need to audibly announce the strobing effects.

I’ve not actually listened to the song. I’m still trying to work the warning.

25: GEORGIA

It’s like a modern version of “Save Your Love”. One more song and then I can get a packet of Monster Munch and a piss. Not at the same time, might I add.

26: IRELAND

Normally they have good songs. Heavy percussion is a bonus, so I like the backing track but the song itself really isn’t amazeballs.

SONG’S FINISHED. To the toilet!

22:39
Right, here we go. Results time. 39 results to go.

22:49
29 results to go, and we’re second last, with one point. We need to pull out of this shit.

And, it was around that part of the night I gave up. We’d lost horribly, and I had some other things to play with, so I went off with those. We didn’t finish last. I think we were about 5th last. Can’t remember, don’t particularly care. Still, it was an enjoyable mess of songs. Some catchy, some complete dross, and some I’m actually considering buying. All in all, it’s been just like every other Eurovision. Except, it’s just not the same since Terry stopped doing it…