Back in the days when ITV actually had some athletics coverage, they used a guitar/piano type theme, which as a kid, I adored. I instantly knew I was in for an afternoon / evening of… erm, athletics.

ITV revamped their coverage for the 1990 European Championships in Split, and this awesome theme was dropped. Unfortunately, no video exists of the introductions that use the theme on youtube, or anywhere else for that matter, except for a realplayer video I have. It’s 35 seconds long, and 655K in size. You can imagine the quality.

I’d never heard this music anywhere else (except in an advert played once on the radio when going down the A19 when I was about 7 or 8).

In a series of mind ramblings involving Shazam (that mobile phone app that attempts to guess which song you’re listening to), and its inability to name this particular track, I typed into Google, “ITV Athletics theme”. The first few results were for the newer theme (which I’ve already got), but one hit was from Amazon…

http://www.amazon.co.uk/ITV-Athletics/dp/B002X3LOB6

I took one look at the ‘CD cover’, and the generic name / artist of this track, and thought “Yeah, Okay. This is going to be an awful re-recording of something”.

I pressed play on the sample. The wallet flew out of my pocket quicker than what a Shearas Punjabi Wrap flies out of my body the morning after a night out. It’s amazingly the very same track!

For anyone with access to Spotify, here’s the link to the full track:-
http://open.spotify.com/track/744rOmSP7eujHk5EbSy0hZ

For the record…
00:00-00:30 seconds was never played
00:30-01:00 was the main theme
01:00-01:10 was the bit Jim Rosenthal used to talk over.

NOTE: The timings above are entirely wrong, as I failed to notice a subtle edited loop in the original theme, despite listening to the track constantly for around an hour.

The rest of the track was rarely played, but occasionally edited for random purposes such as viewer competitions, etc.

I thought for many years it was by Argent/Van Hooke, as they knocked out many themes for ITV around this time, but no, it’s actually by the same guy who did the famous 1970s-2000s Grandstand theme, Keith Mansfield.

Right now, I want to be stood in the middle of an athletics track, in the pouring rain, looking slightly pissed off and uttering those immortal words… “Hello, from Brussels”…

Some of the worst tracks came from another album entitled “Sixteen Small Screen Greats”, with the “Polydor 2384 107″ catalogue number. I commented on how I’d like to get my hands on a copy just to hear the rest of the tracks… well, thanks to a case of finding a virtual needle in a haystack, I now have a copy right in front of me.

ATIF recently acquired a large collection of records and CDs, and I was invited over to Iridium Mansion to have a flick through and take what I wanted. The records were located in the attic, which was only partially lit. Now, for most people this would be a problem, but not for ATIF. He came upstairs to the attic, carrying a Phosco P678 streetight. It was plugged into the wall socket, and the CD/record browsing commenced…

The first photo contains streetlights, records, CDs, and a packet of Maynards Wine Gums. All this photo needs, is a pint of beer, a vindaloo and a pair of tits, and I’d had been in heaven.

Very quickly after a short flick through the CDs and records, I found that the original owner of the records and CDs was an avid theme music collector, which means that there was a lot of old 1980s TV theme vinyl in there, and some of them were brilliant. There was a load of the re-recorded variety, but several were the “genuine article”

Aside from the afore-mentioned Ronnie Hazelhurst LP, I pulled out a number of different albums, including “The TV Hits Album”, released on Towerbell Records, volumes 1 and 2. I had downloaded these particular albums (naughty naughty) as horribly compressed and scratched MP3s, so I knew the tracks included were genuine. The vinyl on these, as with all of the records, is mint, so I now have a copy of Su Pollard’s “Starting Together” to call my own… that is, if my record player’s stylus wasn’t running low on sharpness.

Speaking of Stylus, there was one of the theme albums released under the “Stylus” record label. I’ve had ‘bad’ records from this company in the past, where the tracks are either edited down, or re-recorded, so I wasn’t expecting much. I slapped it on the turntable, and played Track 1, the “Cagney And Lacey” theme. It’s a piece of music I like, but have never been able to track down the version used on the programme. I pressed play. The turntable sprang into life. The sax intro plays…. it sounds almost genuine. The main theme kicks in, and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. It’s the exact version used on the programme, even down to the seldom-noticed xylophone / glockenspiel / whatever percussion instrument it is, barely audible, 40 – 52 seconds into it. Any re-recording would have lost this entirely. There’s also the piano buried back there too, just like every good 80s TV theme.

Er, anyway. there is a reason why the C+L theme is almost impossible to track down on CD… it’s because it was recorded in mono, and it’s 1′ 15″ in length. Every version commercially available on CD is re-recorded, made longer and recorded in stereo. Don’t tamper with the classics, eh?

My plastic-browsing was brought to a temporary, yet abrupt halt, when the streetlight providing our illumination, suddenly went phut, and plunged the entire attic (and the rest of Iridium Mansion) into darkness, with the only illumination coming from the red-hot, yet slowly cooling arc tube. Within seconds, bellows of “ANDREW!” came from downstairs… Now, there could be a couple of things that caused the leccy in his house to trip. His parents seemed to think he was toying with something, but at the time I knew he wasn’t, he was sorting some photos at the time. My opinion wasn’t asked, so I kept out of it. Should it be needed in the future, when the lights went out, ATIF was looking at photos. I was looking at CDs, Neither of us were holding screwdrivers. Bit late now, but still, Awwwwkward.

For the first time ever, my phone came to the rescue. I thought its “flashlight” feature was a jokey gimmick. Honestly, it’s not. It’s not the brightest thing in the world, but my word, it’s worth its weight in LEDs.

The visit to ATIF’s ended as usual, with the obligatory photo of me holding a streetlight. This time, I went for the SOX variant of the GEC Z567x series…

Yes, I’m quite aware my hair needs cutting…

I know it from something else, or at least I know that guitar riff. I probably have it on CD somewhere, I’ve bought a load of chillout albums over the years.

01. THE GOODIES THEME – The Goodies (1975, Bradleys, BRADL 1010)

I don’t particularly like this theme. I didn’t really like The Goodies. I was too young for them, and they haven’t been repeated for decades. (Note, hoewever, that they’re getting repeats on BBC2 this month). It’s just one of the tunes with sets of words that grate on me. Not listenable. Sorry.

02. FAWLTY TOWERS – The Dennis Wilson Quartet

There’s no release / catalogue data for this one, so presumably, it was never released “officially”. It’s a happy tune, then dark, then happy, then dark again. Slow. I have a feeling it’s one of those themes where a short piece of music was recorded for the show, then when the show becomes popular, the theme is extended to fill the space on a record. Rather the reverse of library music. If this was a piece of library music, I’d expect a bit more information on the sleeve.

03. THE LIKELY LADS (WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOU?) – Highly Likely (1973, BBc Records, RESL 10)

These types of “theme” send shivers down my spine, as I absolutely love them. A proper song, written by the writer of the actual series itself. Famed for it’s chorus, “oooh, what happened to you, whatever happened to me, what became of the people, we used to be”.

This theme was remade many years later by the punk rock band “Snuff”, released under the title “Christmas Single”.

04. SOME MOTHER’S DO ‘AVE ‘EM – Ron Grainer (1978, Polydor, 2384.107)

Here’s a fascinating fact for you. Did you know that the theme tune for this show actually spells out “Some Mohters Do Ave Em” in morse code? Apparently, it does. Ronnie Hazelhurst, you absolute, but slightly dead, legend.

This particular track, however, is the perfect example of non-library filler music. According to this recording, the SMDAE theme is 18 seconds long. Unfortunately, after the end of the famous 18-second piccolo intro, the theme is transformed into some ungodly abomination of ‘jazz’, roughly based around the theme, complete with painfully out-of-place glockenspiel.

Originally, it was recorded for the 1978 album “Sixteen Small Screen Greats”. This album is still in existence somewhere, and this is what it looks like.

05. Q. 8. THEME – Spike Milligan + Ed Welch (1979, UNITED ARTISTS, UAG 30223)

I’m totally unfamilar with the show, but am in love with this theme. Ed Welch is one of my heroes. If I could shake his hand, I would. I didn’t even know this was one of his while the record was playing. One day, I’ll do a blog post about Ed Welch. This theme, apparently, is the main theme for the show, left to loop a couple of times, with Mr. Milligan providing some ad-libbing during the theme’s quiet parts.

06. STEPTOE AND SON (Old Ned), The Ron Grainer Orchestra, (1962, Pye 7N 45141)

This is the “famous” version of the theme, meaning that this is the version most likely to turn up if anyone mentions this particular theme. I didn’t realise it was particular recording was so old, but it is – conicidentally, ATIF brought round a Steptoe + Son soundtrack LP from 1962, and it was used on there too.

07. MONTY PYTHON (THE LIBERTY BELL) – The Band of The Welsh Guards (1971 BBC RESL 121)

As far as I know, this could have been the version used on the programme. It is, after all, released on the BBC record label. It’s the full thing though, therefore it doesn’t have the fart noise as the end. Not the same without this.

SIDE B

08. THEME FROM MASH – The Mash (1970, CBS 8536)

Accodring to the sleeve notes, the instrumental version of the theme was never officially released, therefore they’ve resorted to including the version released as a single. Thankfully, they didn’t go with the version listed on the Ronnie Hazelhurst album listed above.

09. DAD’S ARMY (WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE KIDDING MR. HITLER?) – Bud Flanagan (PYE 7N 17854)

Timed at just over a minute long, yet still one of the most recognisable themes on the album. It was recorded in 1969, and was the last recording from Bud Flanagan before he died. It’s not actually a war song. Play a few seconds of it to anyone, and it’s instantly recognisable. This is the “full” version, with the extra couple of lines worth of lyrics.

10. GOING STRAIGHT – Ronnie Barker (1978, EMI 2768)

The spin-off from Porridge, with its own sotry-telling theme tune. I’ve never seen the show, so not sure how much of it got used in the programme itself. It’s a jolly, rather humorous number. On a separate note, I was asked a quizzical question by someone at work… “what was the show that came after Porrige?” Not only could I give the title, I could sing the theme tune. I believe the personconcerned thought I was rather odd for knowing this, and he’d be right.

11. LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE (1978, POLYDOR 2384.107)

Oh dear. It’s another one from the afore-mentioned Ronnie Hazelhurst album. This is one of the few programmes I can think of, that for each episode, they just re-recorded the theme, along with the incidental music. Here’s an odd question I’m not expecting an answer to… did any other school “sing” this theme around the harvest festival time, as in, someone gave it lyrics? Something about eating bread…

12. THE LIVER BIRDS (ON A MOUNTAIN STANDS A LADY) – The Scaffold (1969 EMI PARLOPHONE 5812)

This particular recording formed the B side of the single “Gin Gan Goolie”, and only reached #38 in the charts. I know of the show, and know that it had the laaa-la-laaaa-laaa bit in it, but after checking youtube, it would appear this isn’t the version used in the programme – it had different lyrics, and a whistly bit at the start. No doubt, though, this was the base of the theme, but this recording is just a song, later adapted for the programme.

13. THE FALL AND RISE OF REGINALD PERRIN (1978 POLYDOR 3284.107)

As the album plays its penultimate track, I must admit to hating the last two themes. This one has the sickening combination of a show I don’t particularly know, awful 70s flutes, hideously twangy guitar, and a catalogue number of 3284.107. Yup, Ronnie Hazelhurst again. Now you may think I don’t like this guy. You’d be wrong, it’s just unfortunate they chose poor recordings for this album. I’m tempted to trawl ebay to see if I can get an original of the album, just to hear how bad the other tracks are.

14. IT AIN’T HALF HOT HOT MUM (MEET THE GANG) (1975 EMI EMC 3074)

By the time the show ended, I wasn’t even 2 years old. I can’t say I remember seeing a complete episode. I do, however, remember the “variety show” opening of the show. It’s the song they used to sing on that. It’s just not great.

So, there we are, 14 tracks. Some good, some bad, some I’d rather carve out of existence. It seems to follow the path of all of the other theme albums I’ve had the chance to listen to.

So, because of this, blogging has been on the back burner for a while. I must admit, the past few weeks have been hectic as hell. Some of you may remember over the last couple of years (well, since about 1998), I have been complaining about the heating system in Mercuryvapour Towers, and the fact that it’s been completely knackered for about 10 years. Over the least couple of years, I worked out that if you don’t run the hot tap, the heating will kick in after a couple of hours, with its distinctive “chink….. whoooof” noise, and all will be well until someone runs the hot tap. The house will then be plunged into the murky depths of coldness, and if we had a winter like we did last year, that clearly isn’t a good thing. There was only one thing for it. Invest in a new boiler, and invest we did!

Boiler has arrived, early. I’m either going to end up in hospital or prison 8:04 AM Sep 28th via Twitter for Android

I know that most people probably got sick to death of my incessant tweetings about the status of the boiler, but this was a big step. It was certainly something I was dreading. When the original boiler was installed back in 1994, the house was in uproar for about a week. I think every floorboard got lifted. I expected something similar. It wasn’t as bad this time, in fact, we even got the “blue carpet” treatment for a couple of days…

I expected having to completely dismantle everything in this room, as the old water filter is in my cupboard. The “crystals” in it haven’t been changed since it was fitted, so according to the plumber (whose name I can’t remember, but he had an apprentice called Lee), it was no surprise the old boiler packed up.

Thankfully, they didn’t need to get access to it, so I was safe. In fact, they only entered my room once….

There are strange people in my room. THERE ARE STRANGE PEOPLE IN M…. oh, he’s only bleeding the radiator. 29 September 2010 12:31:09 via web

I will never know if ‘Lee’ saw what I was typing. He was a bit shy, and if he had to ask the main guy a question, he referred to us as ‘The Customer’. I felt sorry for him in a way, obviously having to follow the rules to the letter. I felt like saying to him “Please! You can call me ‘His Royal Highness”, but I didn’t. My room must have been a whole new experience to him. Clean(ish) floor, yet a bed that had clearly not been slept in for days, as it was piled up like Steptoe’s yard. Either way, a day and a half after it started, the blue carpet was lifted, we were left with a terminally scarred bathroom floor, but most importantly…

It’s all over. We have heat! 29 September 2010 15:59:39 via txt

I clearly can’t decide on the best way to tweet, but yes, everything is warm and cosy here now. Unfortunately, I’ve left it a little too late to book a place at university to study the timer controls, so I’m making to with “off” and “on” at the moment. It does, however, mean a trip through the long dusty corridors of Mercuryvapour Towers each time I get too warm, but that’s a small price to pay.

In other news, I’ve bought a CD. No, really. I’ve invested in a dying format. Yes, I was drunk. Yes, I’d watched *that* episode of Eastenders where Peggy Mitchell “walked away”. Yes, I googled “Peggy’s Theme”. Yes, the result ended up with me buying “The Simon May Collection: Eastenders and Other Themes”. Yes, the arrival of the afore mentioned CD caused the postie to ring the doorbell, while I tried to gather some digtnity (in other words, underpants), while I went downstairs to collect the parcel. Except that the “parcel” fitted through the letterbox. Yes, I ended up stood on the doorstep, with hair half-past Wednesday, with the postie shouting “Oh, it fitted through your letterbox”. Of course it did. It was a CD.

Therefore: I was the proud owner of…

I intended to do a full review of the CD, in fact, most of the drafts I wrote centred around this particular purchase, and my attempts to review every track. It’s simply not possible, as it’s got to be the biggest hit ‘n’ miss CD I’ve ever purchased. The ultimate track, which I didn’t even know was on the CD, is “Barracuda”. You won’t recognise it by the name, but it’s the jazzy, synthed up end theme to “Howards Way”… linky here for those who missed my facebook jizzfest over my discovery of the afore mentioned theme. That alone is worth the £6.99 I paid. The ultimate downside to the entire CD is track 22, named “Glory Be To God On High”. When you realise that all of the lyrics are sung to the Eastenders theme tune, and sung by a bunch of kids, it equates to the most painful 3 minutes and 18 seconds known to mankind. If you’re after a song constructed around the Eastenders theme, however, you do get Anita Dobson’s “Anyone Can Fall In Love” as track 17, and in a rare move of theme-tune availablility, the 2009-present version of the Eastenders theme is included, though there’s no “extra” bits in this version, it’s literally just the theme, clocking in at a measly 1:10 in length. The other versions have been at least a little different from the ones used in the programme.

As I approach the sacred 1000-word mark, I’ll have to turn my attention to work. It’s been busy, and I can only assume it’s only going to get busier. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I’m enjoying it being busy.

Oh yes, I’ve also got a new phone, if you couldn’t work that out by the last post. It’s also less than a month to this blog’s 10th birthday. To add to my ever growing of dead celebrity obituaries, Norman Wisdom left the station yesterday. A shame, but at 95, “bloody good innings”, etc.

Chris was round tonight, so a night of vegetation in front of the telly was in order. The afore mentioned programme sparked enough interest in the room to warrant its watching. On the other hand (ho ho), there wasn’t much else on.

It was a thoroughly enjoyable look back at the man’s life, with clips from shows I didn’t even think existed anymore. The end theme, however, made me shout of with amazement.

Let me take you back to 1992, 1993ish. My record collection was still at a minimal level. Few singles, fewer albums. This was boosted by an old relative clearing out her cupboards, and a stack of mainly uninteresting LPs were given to me. Out of all of the albums played, two tracks stood out. One of them featured on a scratchy old Telstar compilation album named “More Green Velvet”, and was entitled “The Lonesome Boatman” by The Fureys + Davey Arthur. It was a short, flutey, instrumental with a great guitar track and very 80s sounding seagull samples.

Now, thanks to the tinternet, I was able to find many different recordings of this, but not the one featured on the More Green Velvet album. The online stores only stocked the same CDs which had a different version. Even Spotify didn’t have it. Thankfully, I managed to find a version of it on youtube. It was longer than my vinyl version, though it would appear that the disc it came from was long out of print, and therefore went for an absolute fortune on ebay. Sigh. This was the only time I’d heard it coming from a source other than my own record collection.

Years pass, and on Friday, I’m awoken with the tune in my head, and the realisation I’d not tried any of the digital download sites. Within minutes, I was 69p lighter, and downloading “The Lonesome Boatman” My long search was over! In fact, I tweeted about it…

Finally got a digital version of “The Lonesome Boatman” by The Fureys for 69p… had it on vinyl, given to me by a long dead relative. 11:45 AM Aug 13th via web

All was not right, however, when I played it through headphones for the first time…

Ugh. Disregard my earlier “Lonesome Boatman” tweet. Awful analogue tape damage on this version all the way through. 69p wasted. Grrrrr. 1:48 AM Aug 14th via web

If you’re listening through speakers, it’s not too bad, but on headphones, the right channel is terrible! This version is taken from a “greatest hits”, so I’m hoping for a better version out there somewhere.

Er, anyway, back to the telly theme link…. two days after purchasing it, the very same version was used as the closing credits for the Jeremy Beadle thing. I find it really a bit spooky and coincidental that I would buy this tune almost immediately after waking up thinking about it, and two days later, for the first time in ~18 years, actually hear it broadcast on TV. It’s just weird, and a little too concidental.

Oh, and, to end this posting with yet another “death” announcement, according to the UKGameshows mailing list, Jack Parnell, one of the two composers of the original “Family Fortunes” theme (Bob Monkhouse / Max Bygraves era), has died. The other composer, Dave Lindup, died in 1992. Lindup’s son, Mark, is the keyboard player from Level 42.

It’s called ‘The Golden Age of Video’ by Ricardo Autobahn. It’s a copyright minefield, so I’m surprised it’s not been deleted yet. I’m so glad it hasn’t.

I got out of bed at 5:50 just to play it because I woke up with it going around my head. Anything that has Short Circuit, Rainbow, The Fast Show, Anchorman, Naked Gun, South Park, and Family Guy in the same video, with a recurring chorus featuring Ghostbusters and Freaks MUST be good… and this is brilliant.

EDIT: fixed formatting.

I do like the Scarface soundtrack, and it’s so long since I’ve played it. On it goes.

In other news, at 16:29 today, the Revo Dalek which had been salvaged from Lancaster Road, received its first power in its new home, with help from a gear tray supplied by Andy The Iridium Fan. This is also the first time in my entire life that I’d lit a SOX (low pressure sodium) lantern. I took a photo at the immediate time of switch-on, but the floor in the living room was a mess so none of you will ever get to see it. To me, however, it was a groundbreaking moment.

Andy the Iridium Fan will be photographig the event.

EDIT: They used the same track for the 2010 race. In previous years, however, they’ve had shots of Mark Knopfler on the blinky bridge, but they cut this out this year, shortening the track dramatically. ATIF also photographed the 2010 event, getting a good shot of Mara Manau…. Myau… Yamou… Amayou…. that English bird with the funny sounding name.

It all started back in 1983, possibly 1984. Too young to remember. An hour-long television show named “Auf Wiedersehen Pet” made its way onto our television screens. In 1986, a second series was aired. In 1988, both series were repeated, albeit in half-hour chunks. At this point, I was old enough to recognise and enjoy its distinctive theme tunes, and I would often sit next to the TV with a cassette recorder, recording the theme tunes.

In the summer of 1988, just before I headed off on my holibobs to Sandy Bay, one of my friends, a lad called Darren, announced that he had the full soundtrack. Yes, it had actually been released on LP, around the time the second series had aired, and that if I gave Darren a cassette, he’d record it for me.

A few days later, (if I remember correctly, it was a Friday, the night before we went away) I was presented with a freshly recorded tape, laden with 18 minutes and 29 seconds of music. Hurrah!

That tape went everywhere with me. Every time we went on holiday, so did this tape, and I’d play it in the car, whenever we went anywhere, much to the annoyance of my parents who must have been sick to death of hearing it.

My love for the soundtrack never really went away, and as each repetition of Auf Weidersehen Pet came on TV, I would once again dig out the tape and play it. Obviously, at some point, I went through and picked up vinyl copies of the singles, though the condition of them wasn’t terribly good.

In roughly 2003, I found that the soundtrack had been released on CD, through a company named “Prestige”. To my slight disappointment, when I played it, the tracks weren’t totally original… “That’s Livin’ Alright” had every second vocal line re-recorded, “Breaking Away”, “Get It Right”, and “The Seven Again”, all faded out early, “Tonight’s The Night” was cut to shreds, knocking an entire verse out of the song, and a minute off its overall running time. The only track to survive intact was “Back With The Boys Again”.

So, it was clear that the only way to get what I wanted, was to find a copy of the 1986 LP. Unsurprisingly, this version has not been issued on CD. Ebay was the site of choice, when it comes to finding it, though it seemed to go for silly money.

Since then, that Auf Weidersehen tape has never really “gone missing”. Although I haven’t played a tape in years, it’s always seemed to have been “about”, if you know what I mean.

Chris came over the other night, and we were discussing when we were kids, and some of the old recordings I had of me as a kid. Though, 22 years on, they’re incredibly embarrassing, I still played them, and let him have a listen to what I sounded like when I was 8. Naturally, this tape was one of the ones I’d played, as the B side consists entirely of me shouting stuff into the tape recorder, you know, as kids do.

This got me itching to hear the soundtrack as it was meant to be played. I flipped the tape over, and played a few seconds. All of those memories of past summers and childish laughter came rushing back. Over the years, the tape has degraded, and although it still plays, the sound quality was hardly up to scratch. It may also have had something to do with the hi-fi I was playing it on. Either way, I wanted to listen to it properly.

Off to the afore-metioned auction site, where I picked up the following…

Yes, a gleaming copy of the LP. I didn’t know what to expect when I got it. I actually dreamt that I received it, and it was in appaling condition. Thankfully, this wasn’t the case, and it is in perfect condition. Needless to say, I have recorded it, and it’ll soon be part of my MP3 collection to treasure for another 20 years.

Alledgedly, these tracks are “official”, as in, the original ones used on the particular programmes featured, but I do know some of them are almost impossible to get hold of. So the question is, is this CD the real deal, or have I just spent £3 on yet another “remake” CD?

Well, firstly, the back cover is a little void of information, giving only the show title, and no information about composers or anything. That’s never a good sign. It’s time to break the cellophane and take a peek inside…

Well, firstly, it’s looking promising… all but two tracks state “From the BBC production” or whichever company produced the show, and the composers are also listed. However, the CD doesn’t list the artists anywhere, except for two tracks, so I’ve taken a guess with the performers…

Right, so, let’s get down to it.

(01) Casualty / Ken Freeman (3:00)
Never mind. This does indeed seem to be the Casualty theme. Well, the original and best one. Moody synths. Brings back images of slowly breaking glass, and of course, that terrible Oxide/Neutrino record.

(02) Wycliffe / Nigel Hess (2:52)

I loved this theme when it was on the show. Unfortunately, it’s so long since I heard it properly, I’m not sure if this is the proper version or not. If this is the genuine version, it’s got a guitar solo which was never used on the show. What I do know, however, is that it’s really good. The last 40 seconds are probably what was used on the end credits. Great stuff.

(03) Play Your Cards Right / Alyn Ainsworth (02:25)

This is the mid 90′s theme. Utter cheese, and therefore strangely brilliant. Reminds me of Friday nights at about 7PM. Probably that’s when the show was on.

The first 26 seconds are the opening titles. The next minute is the dodgy piano bit they always played at the end of the show when someone won the car. At 1:45, it repeats the main theme, and at 2:09, it has a shorter version of the theme used for the commercial breaks.

(04) Blind Date / Laurie Holloway (3:12)

Again, it’s the mid 90′s remake, with the dodgy saxophone bits. My initial reaction was “This isn’t the proper theme!”, however, it appears they never actually used the starting bit. The part they used on the show doesn’t begin until 1:45 into the track. I couldn’t stand this show anyway.

(05) Heart of the Matter / Justin Nicholls (3:29)

Ahhh, the first show I’m not familiar with.

(06) GMTV / David Arch (4:35)

Hard to explain, this one, as for the first two minutes, it’s the main GMTV theme, played several times, but with different introductions and endings. After two minutes, there’s a long instrumental bit, and the track finishes again with the main GMTV theme, but without the lead sax. It’s all very strange, and it proves that, just like “Play Your Cards Right”, these TV themes were never meant to be heard in their entirity.

(07) Bottom (BB’s Blues / Last Night) / The Bum Notes (2:21)

It’s the Bottom theme tunes. Both of them. On the show, it was credited to “The Bum Notes”, though there’s no mention of it on this CD. The first 70 seconds are the opening credits, with the bit they always faded. The next 14 seconds is the little bit of music they played between scenes which sounded like a drumkit being assaulted, and the next minute is the famous end credits theme, Incidentally, it’s the first time I’ve heard it properly except for on the programme.

(08) Dial Midnight / Phil Binding + Simon Moore (2:27)

Not familiar with this programme. The BFI list it as “Late-night live ‘phone-in series. GB. LWT Tx 1992/02/14 – 1993/12/17″. Crap theme if I’m honest anyway.

(09) Littlejohn (House of Fun) / Phil Binding + Simon Moore (2:57)

I don’t know if I can sit through the almost three minutes of this theme. It’s an insult to Madness. It’s a remake of their hit “House of Fun”, and it is toe-curling. Agan, the show itself is totally missing from my radar, which is just as well. I gave up with 30 seconds of this theme remaining. Absolutely terrible.

(10) Gladiators / Muff Murfin (3:36)

This will bring back memories for anyone who, like me, went through puberty at the same time this show was on the air. It’s also the first theme on this disc to have “lyrics”, presumably written by Muff Murfin. I just had to get that name in there somewhere, as it’s the best name ever. I’m pretty sure this was released as a single at some point.

(11) You Bet / Jonathan Sorrell (2:56)

This is the entire reason I bought this CD. I absolutely adored this theme. It was used for years, during the Matthew Kelly Era. In fact, I loved all of the music from the show… that is, until Darren Day took over, and they “revamped” the music. Jonathan Sorrell composed all of the music for the show, including the music used during the challenges.

This theme is clearly longer than the version used on the show, and it includes a few bits never aired, but it’s the original. And I can imagine this being played full-blast through headphones next time I’m drunk.

(12) Girl Friday / Simon Brint (2:10)

Wikipedia lists this as “Girl Friday was a 1994 BBC reality television series starring Joanna Lumley in which she spends nine days on the desert island of Tsarabanjina near Madagascar.” Sounds about as dull as this theme.

(13)Johnny and the Dead / Stefan Giradet (2:44)

A Childrens ITV remake of the Terry Pratchett novel. That’s all I know. And I only found that out through Wikipedia again. Another dire theme. Very quiet and uninspiring.

(14) Dangerfield / Nigel Hess (2:59)

Hmmm. We seem to have hit a bit of a dry sport for themes I actually know here. Although I’ve heard of the show, I’ve never watched it. It’s another Nigel Hess composition, just like Wycliffe, listed above. In fact, he features four times on this CD. Actually, that’s not a bad theme.

(15) ITV Sport (You Are the Number One) / Union (3:56)

Absolute quality in every way, shape and form, however, this is the version with lyrics, so technically it’s NOT the theme. The version they used as the ITV Sport theme was known as the “Sax In Sweden Mix”, which basically had saxophones in place of the lyrics. It featured as the B side of this theme, which was also released as a single. The vocals are sung by the late Paul Young, of Mike And The Mechanics.

(16) This is Your Life / Laurie Holloway (2:28)

This doesn’t come anywhere near to being the proper theme. Not even close. If you’re interested in buying the CD for this theme, please don’t. It’s not the version from the programme.

(17) Schofield’s Quest / Toby Jarvis (3:15)

I think they’re stringing the phrase “Best of British Television” out a bit much now. I suppose it passes for a TV theme, but I wouldn’t pay money for it. Oh, wait, I just have. Bugger.

(18) Just William / Nigel Hess (2:08)

Nigel Hess is at it again. This show isn’t my cup of tea, and neither is this horribly twee theme, though I guess it fits in well with the programme. And, it’s finished. Phew.

(19) The Bill (Overkill) (3:06)

As Roy Walker would say… “It’s close, but it’s not the one”. though, I wasn’t expecting it to be. It’s a remake of the late 80′s / 90′s theme. Presumably, they can’t have had the rights to use the original theme, so it was re-recorded for CD’s such as this.

(20) Emmerdale (2:19)

Again, not the proper theme. It’s a re-recording based on the original 1970′s theme. The incorrect note 52 secs in, gives it away. The beginning also sounds incorrect. I was never a great fan of the theme, so I can live without a proper version of it.

(21) Heartbeat / Nick Berry (2:16)

Phew. Back to the genuine themes, though, considering this was released as a single, it’s hardly difficult to get hold of.

(22) The New Avengers

I don’t think this is the proper theme. I’m not a fan of the show, but it sounds too modern. It’s also one of the two tracks with no mention of where it’s from.

(23) Hetty Wainthrop Investigates / Nigel Hess 2:46

Nigel Hess makes his final appearance on this CD. Considering it’s the penultimate track, that’s not surprising. Er. Not a lot I can say about this track. It’s genuine enough from what I can remember.

(24) Theme From Coronation Street 1:49

Oh boy! I’m looking forward to this one! Not because I like the theme, it because I want to hear just how distant it is from the original. This is the other track which doesn’t state where it’s from, and is listed as being performed by the “Powerpack Orchestra”. Right. There’s the formalities out of the way. Now let’s hit “Play”.

Oh dear.

Oh dear, oh dear.

I don’t think I can finish it. I can taste the music. It tastes of burning. That’s the worst ending to any CD in the whole history of anything ever.

Well, there you have it. 24 mixed tracks. Some excellent, some rather mainstream, some which are truly painful. Definitely worth the £3 I paid.

I’ve recently bought the following CD.

Not even close. It cost me £6.99, and it’s almost jam-packed with the greatest works of sports theme ever. I say almost. I may have a rant about the Match Of The Day Theme. Let’s play it through.

(01) Grandstand (Current Theme) – Sound Stage Orchestra

There simply couldn’t be a sports theme CD without this classic, soon to be removed from our TV screens. I love it. From its over-emphasised brass section, to the over-the-top trumpet leading to the seldom heard middle eight. Andy M informed me that the day Grandstand’s demise was announced, Radio 1 played the full version of this. And good on them!

(02) News Scoop (Grandstand Original Theme) – Symphonia Orchestra Conducted By Ludo Philipp

Used by the beeb whenever they introduce vintage clips. And also the theme to Auntie’s Sporting Bloomers. Oh, a pole vaulter’s pole snapped! And someone’s landed head first in the water jump! Actually, that’s quite funny.

(03) The Trap (London Marathon) – Ron Goodwin And His Concert Orchestra

Also the intro to the oliver Reed film “the Trap” as documented in… um, the name of the track. the longest track on the CD, at a whopping 3m 9s. Countless views of Tower Bridge, Cutty Sark and athletes pissing in the street. An absolute classic. The original version had lyrics (I actually saw the film one dreary afternoon)… something like “and she shall have diamonds and pearls”, sung by Reedy himself. It’s a top tune, and still used by the beeb to this day.

(04) Pop Looks Bach (Ski Sunday) – New Dance Orchestra

What can I say? This is Ski Sunday. Literally. Violins, kettle drums, sitting on a sunday afternoon eating biscuits, and maybe some leftover joint. (meat-type, natch). Again, only watched by children to see massive injuries. I’ve ran out of things to say, and there’s still 20 seconds of the track left, ah here’s the big finish!

(05) Soul Limbo (Test Cricket) – Booker T & The MGs

Yes, it’s the unmistakable cricket theme, with more cowbells and xylophones than you can shake a wicket at. A record in its own right, naturally. An intro which always reminded me of my mother emptying the tin ashtray we had at the time. And still have, despite nobody smoking in our house for over 9 years.

(06) Drag Racer (Snooker) – Doug Wood Group

The snooker theme. There is no other. Sod Pot Black. What surprisies me was that this track was recorded in 1976, but the version I have on 7″ is copyright 1982, despite it being the same version. The beeb thought it would be funny to stick crap snooker sound effects on the start and the end, which is probably the reason of the revised copyright date. It’s still a top track. And the remixes of it currently broadcast are sacrelege. Can’t spell that word.

(07) Offside (Match Of The Day Theme) – Mike Vickers Orchestra

THIS MAKES MY EARS BLEED. THIS IS NOT THE MATCH OF THE DAY THEME. THIS IS THE WEEDY ATTEMPT FEATURED ON EVERYTHING SEEING AS BBC WON’T RELEASE THE BARRY THING VERSION. THIS IS MAKING MY EARS BLEED. MAKE IT STOP. Bit of an insight, as there’s still a minute to go. Barry Fenton recorded the original track in 1969, still used to this day. This 1970 mockup is an awful representation of it. You’ll have heard it before. This is by far the low point of the CD. It’s finished!

(08) Drum Majorette (Match Of The Day Original Theme) – Queen’s Hall Light Orchestra Conducted By Robert Farnon

Er. I’m not familiar with this one at all. Oh, actually, about 30 seconds into it, a little bit of it is recognisable. Hmmm. 22 more tracks to go. Not familiar with this one at all. Did I put the milk back in the fridge?….. Meh.

(09) Sportsnight (Theme) – Tony Hatch Orchestra

Ahhh. Tony Hatch. I have vague recollections of this theme. My parents weren’t sporty, and this show was always on past my bedtime. Therefore, I know of it expecially, the DA DA DA DA-DA DA! at the end. Wow, it has a really shit sax solo. My god, it’s awful. Never heard this before. Ah, back onto the main theme. Still over a minute to go, and as seems to be the par for the course on these themes…. start bit, cheesy middle secton, start bit again, proper ending.

(10) All Sports March – Queen’s Hall Light Orchestra Conducted By Robert Farnon

I can place it. But it’s crap. So. A little about my day, then. I had a bit of a headache this morning when I woke up. But that soon cleared when I got to work, of all places. they’re still replacing the streetlights on Easington Road…… Um…. this theme is really crap. Only 30 seconds to go. I might have to stop and get more beer in a second.

(11) Light And Tuneful (Wimbledon Opening Music) – Sound Stage Orchestra

Bit of a strange name for something that really isn’t that light, to be honest. I love this theme. Usual structure. Main theme, then the cheesy middle eight which gets talked over by Sue Barker, then the end of the theme, which is the same as the start, only in a different key, which I don’t think gets used any more.

(12) Sporting Occasion (Wimbledon Closing Music) – Queen’s Hall Light Orchestra Conducted By Robert Farnon

I don’t think this gets used as the closing any more. It got used as the opening a few years ago, to the dislike of most of the public. It’s a boring, tra-la-la thing, with a bit of fanfare in it. Bleh. Not my cup of tea.

(13) Holy Mackerel! (Rugby Special) – Brian Bennett Band

Brian Bennet, ex member of the Shadows, brings us this ditty I always remember from my childhood. Wah-wah synth. and lots of it. you can almost sing the lyrics “This is rugby league!” over it. That’s my strongest recollection of it. Not used any more. At all. Ever. Completely forgotten.

(14) Cranes (Darts) – Doug Wood Group

The entire reason I bought this CD. I knew the name, and the artist of the track. Many google searches drew a blank. Though, a few nights ago, it struck me I might have been searching for the wrong thing. I’d known the artist as “Doug Wood BAND”. The other night, I searched for “Doug Wood GROUP”. Within an instant, I was redirected to HMV, where they had snippets of all of the themes on here. My word! they were all the original versions, and this track was included A google search later, meant I got it from amazon for almost £4 cheaper. Woo. Um, back to the track. Clear recollections of saturday afternoons, with a rotating dartboard, and that scary last note. Almost 2 minutes of sheer brilliance. They really knew how to do snare drums in the 70′s.

(15) Derby Day – Melodi Light Orchestra Conducted By Ole Jensen

Not familiar with this one at all. I’m sure they probably still use it on Derby Day. But not in my presence. We’re only half way through. I expect a lot of rubbish tracks, and some quality ones. Can’t quite remember the track order.

(16) The Challenge (BBC Sports Personality Of The Year) – Melodi Light Orchestra Conducted By Ole Jensen

Oh dear, we’re onto the rubbish. This one has deteriorated badly. Recorded presumably in Mono. I know it to a point, and I think they still use it. It’s not that good.

(17) World Series – Melodi Light Orchestra Conducted By Ole Jensen

Er. I have no idea what they used this one for. Thankfully the last one in the trio of Ole Jensen tracks I’ve not actually heard before.

(18) Saturday Sports (Sportsview) – National Light Orchestra

But that doesn’t mean it’s the end of the crap tracks. No recollection of this AT ALL. Literally. I know it about as well as I know the back of my neck. Well, I know there’s a wart on there, but that’s not the point.

(19) Soul Riff (Crown Green Bowls) – Doug Wood Group

To be honest, this is the only Doug Wood Group track I’m not familiar with. I quite like it though. I don’t think the beeb use it any more.

(20) International Sports March – Queen’s Hall Light Orchestra Conducted By Sidney Torch

YOU JOIN ME! IN THE MIDDLE OF A TRACK I’VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE! The 2nd longest track on the CD, at 3mins 8secs. Great. Time to get more beers……

(21) World Of Sport March (World Of Sport) – Don Harper Big Band

The only track to stray away from the comfort of the BBC. This is the famous ITV World of Sport theme. It’s beautiful. Stupidly loud piccolos, mute trumpets, more bass than a freshwater lake, and clocking in at a paltry 1min 45secs. It’s just *too* short. I could have listened to it for hours!

(22) World Series (Athletics) – Sound Stage Orchestra

What I love about this CD is the names that were originally given to the tracks, in this case “World Series”. Never-before-heard honkytonk piano solo. I absolutely love this. And, they don’t use it anymore. A few years ago, for whatever reason, they replaced this theme with a synthed-up soundalike. It was exactly the same, except for whatever reason, they re-recorded it. I can only assume that someone at the beeb lost their master before they went ahead and showed the highlights of the long jump from Oslo. Brilliant track.

(23) Grandstand – Queen’s Hall Light Orchestra Conducted By Robert Farnon

Another Grandstand theme. The 70′s have something to be thankful for. They got rid of this from our screens. Can you imagine Des Lynam introducing Crown Green Bowls from Wembley over this?

(24) Out Of The Blue (Sports Report (BBC Light Programme And Radio 5)) – Band Of The Irish Guards Conducted By Major C.H. Jaeger

I can only assume, a very famous piece of music. It sounds very recently recorded. Probably from around the time Radio 5 started, which if I remember, was late 80′s? Bugger. I’ve put the CD box somewhere now… oh, there it is…. 1951 according to the booklet. No way.

(25) Goodwood Galop – Queen’s Hall Light Orchestra Conducted By Robert Farnon

Wy word. This is fast paced. I thought the CD was skipping. In fact no, it wasn’t skipping, it’s just a crap track. Copyright 1950, apparently. I don’t think they even DO racing from Goodwood anymore.

(26) Sportsmaster – Melodi Light Orchestra Conducted By Ole Jensen

Er. Didn’t I hear this track earlier? Oh, wait. It’s almost the same as the other ones by the same “band”.

(27) Heavy Action (Superstars) – Sound Stage Orchestra

The SUPERSTARS THEME! I took a shine to this after the Beeb resurrected Superstars a year or two ago. Though, when I say resurrected, I’m sure I mean “A chance for some past it celebreties and some dodgy presenters to sun themselves up on a sunny island for however long it took them to record it. I mean, does Johnny Vaughan *need* another holiday? What’s wrong with the swimming baths at Rhyl? That’s where Ron Pickering was every week! Needless to say, Sportstarts has not returned to our screens during 2006. Whew. Only a few tracks to go.

(UPDATE: Superstars is back for Summer 2008, on Channel 5. Although I only caught about 5 seconds of it, it doesn’t appear that they use this theme anymore. For shame My mistake! After actually watching an episode, they do still use this theme.).

(28) The Big Match – Sound Stage Orchestra

I’m divided about this one to be honest. It’s the famous track. Fast paced. Usual structure. Start. Mad oragan solo. End, same as the start, but with a bitey ending. But was it BBC or ITV?

(29) Tour De France – New Concert Orchestra Conducted By Nat Nyll

Nat Nyll. Now there’s a name that rolls off the tongue. No, I’m only joking. Never heard of him, or the theme.

(30) Football Fanfare – Melodi Light Orchestra Conducted By Ole Jensen

Oh, god. It’s back to Melodi Light, with another load of bollocks I’ve never heard before.

So, it’s clear, to me, which tracks are the stand-out ones, and which ones are a complete waste of disc. It is, of course, my personal opionion, and someone reading this could be jumping up and down at the prospect of hearing “Goodwood Gallop” again. And they can, if you buy the CD, which I assume is still in print.

Here’s the lowdown, should you wish to buy it…

UK Code: CD GOAL 1
Something Code: THE GREAT SPORTING EXPERIENCE 7243 5 56711 2 7
EMI Records.
Running Time: 71:16
Time to type: Considerably Longer

I enjoyed that. Normal service WILL resume shortly.