Back in the days when ITV actually had some athletics coverage, they used a guitar/piano type theme, which as a kid, I adored. I instantly knew I was in for an afternoon / evening of… erm, athletics.

ITV revamped their coverage for the 1990 European Championships in Split, and this awesome theme was dropped. Unfortunately, no video exists of the introductions that use the theme on youtube, or anywhere else for that matter, except for a realplayer video I have. It’s 35 seconds long, and 655K in size. You can imagine the quality.

I’d never heard this music anywhere else (except in an advert played once on the radio when going down the A19 when I was about 7 or 8).

In a series of mind ramblings involving Shazam (that mobile phone app that attempts to guess which song you’re listening to), and its inability to name this particular track, I typed into Google, “ITV Athletics theme”. The first few results were for the newer theme (which I’ve already got), but one hit was from Amazon…

http://www.amazon.co.uk/ITV-Athletics/dp/B002X3LOB6

I took one look at the ‘CD cover’, and the generic name / artist of this track, and thought “Yeah, Okay. This is going to be an awful re-recording of something”.

I pressed play on the sample. The wallet flew out of my pocket quicker than what a Shearas Punjabi Wrap flies out of my body the morning after a night out. It’s amazingly the very same track!

For anyone with access to Spotify, here’s the link to the full track:-
http://open.spotify.com/track/744rOmSP7eujHk5EbSy0hZ

For the record…
00:00-00:30 seconds was never played
00:30-01:00 was the main theme
01:00-01:10 was the bit Jim Rosenthal used to talk over.

NOTE: The timings above are entirely wrong, as I failed to notice a subtle edited loop in the original theme, despite listening to the track constantly for around an hour.

The rest of the track was rarely played, but occasionally edited for random purposes such as viewer competitions, etc.

I thought for many years it was by Argent/Van Hooke, as they knocked out many themes for ITV around this time, but no, it’s actually by the same guy who did the famous 1970s-2000s Grandstand theme, Keith Mansfield.

Right now, I want to be stood in the middle of an athletics track, in the pouring rain, looking slightly pissed off and uttering those immortal words… “Hello, from Brussels”…

Some of the worst tracks came from another album entitled “Sixteen Small Screen Greats”, with the “Polydor 2384 107″ catalogue number. I commented on how I’d like to get my hands on a copy just to hear the rest of the tracks… well, thanks to a case of finding a virtual needle in a haystack, I now have a copy right in front of me.

ATIF recently acquired a large collection of records and CDs, and I was invited over to Iridium Mansion to have a flick through and take what I wanted. The records were located in the attic, which was only partially lit. Now, for most people this would be a problem, but not for ATIF. He came upstairs to the attic, carrying a Phosco P678 streetight. It was plugged into the wall socket, and the CD/record browsing commenced…

The first photo contains streetlights, records, CDs, and a packet of Maynards Wine Gums. All this photo needs, is a pint of beer, a vindaloo and a pair of tits, and I’d had been in heaven.

Very quickly after a short flick through the CDs and records, I found that the original owner of the records and CDs was an avid theme music collector, which means that there was a lot of old 1980s TV theme vinyl in there, and some of them were brilliant. There was a load of the re-recorded variety, but several were the “genuine article”

Aside from the afore-mentioned Ronnie Hazelhurst LP, I pulled out a number of different albums, including “The TV Hits Album”, released on Towerbell Records, volumes 1 and 2. I had downloaded these particular albums (naughty naughty) as horribly compressed and scratched MP3s, so I knew the tracks included were genuine. The vinyl on these, as with all of the records, is mint, so I now have a copy of Su Pollard’s “Starting Together” to call my own… that is, if my record player’s stylus wasn’t running low on sharpness.

Speaking of Stylus, there was one of the theme albums released under the “Stylus” record label. I’ve had ‘bad’ records from this company in the past, where the tracks are either edited down, or re-recorded, so I wasn’t expecting much. I slapped it on the turntable, and played Track 1, the “Cagney And Lacey” theme. It’s a piece of music I like, but have never been able to track down the version used on the programme. I pressed play. The turntable sprang into life. The sax intro plays…. it sounds almost genuine. The main theme kicks in, and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. It’s the exact version used on the programme, even down to the seldom-noticed xylophone / glockenspiel / whatever percussion instrument it is, barely audible, 40 – 52 seconds into it. Any re-recording would have lost this entirely. There’s also the piano buried back there too, just like every good 80s TV theme.

Er, anyway. there is a reason why the C+L theme is almost impossible to track down on CD… it’s because it was recorded in mono, and it’s 1′ 15″ in length. Every version commercially available on CD is re-recorded, made longer and recorded in stereo. Don’t tamper with the classics, eh?

My plastic-browsing was brought to a temporary, yet abrupt halt, when the streetlight providing our illumination, suddenly went phut, and plunged the entire attic (and the rest of Iridium Mansion) into darkness, with the only illumination coming from the red-hot, yet slowly cooling arc tube. Within seconds, bellows of “ANDREW!” came from downstairs… Now, there could be a couple of things that caused the leccy in his house to trip. His parents seemed to think he was toying with something, but at the time I knew he wasn’t, he was sorting some photos at the time. My opinion wasn’t asked, so I kept out of it. Should it be needed in the future, when the lights went out, ATIF was looking at photos. I was looking at CDs, Neither of us were holding screwdrivers. Bit late now, but still, Awwwwkward.

For the first time ever, my phone came to the rescue. I thought its “flashlight” feature was a jokey gimmick. Honestly, it’s not. It’s not the brightest thing in the world, but my word, it’s worth its weight in LEDs.

The visit to ATIF’s ended as usual, with the obligatory photo of me holding a streetlight. This time, I went for the SOX variant of the GEC Z567x series…

Yes, I’m quite aware my hair needs cutting…

I know it from something else, or at least I know that guitar riff. I probably have it on CD somewhere, I’ve bought a load of chillout albums over the years.

On the run up to midnight last night , Sky News had someone reporting live in Edinburgh, amongst the crowds of drunken revellers. You can already see where this is going…

First person he interviewed, some old guy, said he came up to Scotland because they know how to celebrate mahogany.

Second person was some woman, totally off-her-tits drunk, screamed that she came up to Scotland to “get pissed”.

Third and final guy was from New Zealand said “Hey, it’s facking cold”.

None of it is on Youtube yet, but I’m keeping my eyes peeled that someone recorded this quality bit of broadcast.

01. THE GOODIES THEME – The Goodies (1975, Bradleys, BRADL 1010)

I don’t particularly like this theme. I didn’t really like The Goodies. I was too young for them, and they haven’t been repeated for decades. (Note, hoewever, that they’re getting repeats on BBC2 this month). It’s just one of the tunes with sets of words that grate on me. Not listenable. Sorry.

02. FAWLTY TOWERS – The Dennis Wilson Quartet

There’s no release / catalogue data for this one, so presumably, it was never released “officially”. It’s a happy tune, then dark, then happy, then dark again. Slow. I have a feeling it’s one of those themes where a short piece of music was recorded for the show, then when the show becomes popular, the theme is extended to fill the space on a record. Rather the reverse of library music. If this was a piece of library music, I’d expect a bit more information on the sleeve.

03. THE LIKELY LADS (WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOU?) – Highly Likely (1973, BBc Records, RESL 10)

These types of “theme” send shivers down my spine, as I absolutely love them. A proper song, written by the writer of the actual series itself. Famed for it’s chorus, “oooh, what happened to you, whatever happened to me, what became of the people, we used to be”.

This theme was remade many years later by the punk rock band “Snuff”, released under the title “Christmas Single”.

04. SOME MOTHER’S DO ‘AVE ‘EM – Ron Grainer (1978, Polydor, 2384.107)

Here’s a fascinating fact for you. Did you know that the theme tune for this show actually spells out “Some Mohters Do Ave Em” in morse code? Apparently, it does. Ronnie Hazelhurst, you absolute, but slightly dead, legend.

This particular track, however, is the perfect example of non-library filler music. According to this recording, the SMDAE theme is 18 seconds long. Unfortunately, after the end of the famous 18-second piccolo intro, the theme is transformed into some ungodly abomination of ‘jazz’, roughly based around the theme, complete with painfully out-of-place glockenspiel.

Originally, it was recorded for the 1978 album “Sixteen Small Screen Greats”. This album is still in existence somewhere, and this is what it looks like.

05. Q. 8. THEME – Spike Milligan + Ed Welch (1979, UNITED ARTISTS, UAG 30223)

I’m totally unfamilar with the show, but am in love with this theme. Ed Welch is one of my heroes. If I could shake his hand, I would. I didn’t even know this was one of his while the record was playing. One day, I’ll do a blog post about Ed Welch. This theme, apparently, is the main theme for the show, left to loop a couple of times, with Mr. Milligan providing some ad-libbing during the theme’s quiet parts.

06. STEPTOE AND SON (Old Ned), The Ron Grainer Orchestra, (1962, Pye 7N 45141)

This is the “famous” version of the theme, meaning that this is the version most likely to turn up if anyone mentions this particular theme. I didn’t realise it was particular recording was so old, but it is – conicidentally, ATIF brought round a Steptoe + Son soundtrack LP from 1962, and it was used on there too.

07. MONTY PYTHON (THE LIBERTY BELL) – The Band of The Welsh Guards (1971 BBC RESL 121)

As far as I know, this could have been the version used on the programme. It is, after all, released on the BBC record label. It’s the full thing though, therefore it doesn’t have the fart noise as the end. Not the same without this.

SIDE B

08. THEME FROM MASH – The Mash (1970, CBS 8536)

Accodring to the sleeve notes, the instrumental version of the theme was never officially released, therefore they’ve resorted to including the version released as a single. Thankfully, they didn’t go with the version listed on the Ronnie Hazelhurst album listed above.

09. DAD’S ARMY (WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE KIDDING MR. HITLER?) – Bud Flanagan (PYE 7N 17854)

Timed at just over a minute long, yet still one of the most recognisable themes on the album. It was recorded in 1969, and was the last recording from Bud Flanagan before he died. It’s not actually a war song. Play a few seconds of it to anyone, and it’s instantly recognisable. This is the “full” version, with the extra couple of lines worth of lyrics.

10. GOING STRAIGHT – Ronnie Barker (1978, EMI 2768)

The spin-off from Porridge, with its own sotry-telling theme tune. I’ve never seen the show, so not sure how much of it got used in the programme itself. It’s a jolly, rather humorous number. On a separate note, I was asked a quizzical question by someone at work… “what was the show that came after Porrige?” Not only could I give the title, I could sing the theme tune. I believe the personconcerned thought I was rather odd for knowing this, and he’d be right.

11. LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE (1978, POLYDOR 2384.107)

Oh dear. It’s another one from the afore-mentioned Ronnie Hazelhurst album. This is one of the few programmes I can think of, that for each episode, they just re-recorded the theme, along with the incidental music. Here’s an odd question I’m not expecting an answer to… did any other school “sing” this theme around the harvest festival time, as in, someone gave it lyrics? Something about eating bread…

12. THE LIVER BIRDS (ON A MOUNTAIN STANDS A LADY) – The Scaffold (1969 EMI PARLOPHONE 5812)

This particular recording formed the B side of the single “Gin Gan Goolie”, and only reached #38 in the charts. I know of the show, and know that it had the laaa-la-laaaa-laaa bit in it, but after checking youtube, it would appear this isn’t the version used in the programme – it had different lyrics, and a whistly bit at the start. No doubt, though, this was the base of the theme, but this recording is just a song, later adapted for the programme.

13. THE FALL AND RISE OF REGINALD PERRIN (1978 POLYDOR 3284.107)

As the album plays its penultimate track, I must admit to hating the last two themes. This one has the sickening combination of a show I don’t particularly know, awful 70s flutes, hideously twangy guitar, and a catalogue number of 3284.107. Yup, Ronnie Hazelhurst again. Now you may think I don’t like this guy. You’d be wrong, it’s just unfortunate they chose poor recordings for this album. I’m tempted to trawl ebay to see if I can get an original of the album, just to hear how bad the other tracks are.

14. IT AIN’T HALF HOT HOT MUM (MEET THE GANG) (1975 EMI EMC 3074)

By the time the show ended, I wasn’t even 2 years old. I can’t say I remember seeing a complete episode. I do, however, remember the “variety show” opening of the show. It’s the song they used to sing on that. It’s just not great.

So, there we are, 14 tracks. Some good, some bad, some I’d rather carve out of existence. It seems to follow the path of all of the other theme albums I’ve had the chance to listen to.

Anyway, I’d like to say this was a drunken discussion, but unfortunately, no, we were both sat in Employment Palace. As the boredom took hold, he looked at me and said (or rather, emailed me) those infamous words…

“Was pat sharpes mullet the greatest hair cut ever? Please explain your answer and show your working out. ”

YES, is the answer to this, for Mr. Patrick Sharpin, was without doubt the king of mullets. Note, how I say, was, as in recent times, he has ditched the trademark mullet, and has since disappeared into obscurity. Imagine if Hitler Charlie Chaplin had shaved off his famous toothbrush moustache? Would he be as famous? I am quite sure the answer is quite simply no.

To prove this, we just have to take a quick look at “Fun House”. Mr. Sharp’s tea-time extravaganza, featuring all of the things important to an adolescent, watching telly on a friday afternoon whilst on a complete sugar rush that is expected to last all weekend. Yes, those things are go-karts, mess, people falling over, a huge padded obstacle course (which I would often dream about going into) and above-all, a presenter with a wacky hairstyle and a jolly personality.

It would be wrong of me to think of Mr. Sharp as simply just the presenter of Fun House. During the late eighties and early nineties, who can forget this foray into the pop charts, with such classics as his remake of “Use it up And Wear it Out” – a duo with Mick Brown. I actually owned this particular single. I use the past tense there, as it was so indescribably bad, it ended up getting thrown out. I do remember, however, that the cover featured Mr Sharp’s mullet. The label was an embossed silver colour, and I have no idea what the B side was.

Mr. Sharp was last spotted in an episode of Never Mind The Buzzcocks, unfortunately sans mullet.

In conclusion, I am happy that Mr. Sharp brought the mullet back to the publics attention. I never had the chance to grow one. That’s probably a good thing.

EDIT: Thanks to c64glen for finding a video on Youtube with Mr. Sharp, and Melanie + Martine…

Hard to believe the twins are nearly in their 40s…

Normal programming will resume shortly, and thankfully, normal programming on TV will resume also. Except that Top Gear is very, very late.

Full time, for real this time: YAY WELL DONE SPAIN. Now get Top Gear on.

26:00: Goooooooooooooooal to Span. Iniesta. Forever. Booked for taking his shirt off. Tee hee.

Half Extra time Looks like it’s gonna be penners…

100:46 One of the guys in the blue football suits almost scored. But didn’t.

92:48 Some of the LED advertising hoardings have white dots where there shouldn’t be white dots. The sound also died temporarily on the Beeb.

90:00 Kick off. Again. Top gear delay inevitable. Sigh.

Full Time: Well, this is the 2nd World Cup final to finish 0-0. The other was in 1994.

86:59: Please don’t say this is going to delay Top Gear…

78:16: Can see this going to extra time. Oh…. joy.

69:15: Oooooh, unlucky Spain

66:13: Yet another yellow card. Currently, I’m eating some roast beef slices which have been in the fridge since the beginning of time. They appear to have the same taste as the plastic they’re wrapped in. Larvely.

62:45: “There is something brewing in this world cup final”…. Yeah, sorry, that’ll be last night’s madras…

45:00: Why does everyone keep missing that bloody octopus? He’s been lucky. Seven times.

Half Time: Well, that was predicably dull. It says something when you’d rather prick about deleting spam than watching the match.

39:56 I’ve just noticed that the light and dark stripes on the pitch line up exactly with the markings. I wonder if they’re used to help calculate the “distance from goal” captions when there’sa free kick? Tsk. I remember when they were purely decorative.

35:00 Well, there wasn’t a goal. Maybe it only workds if I leave the keyboard to go to the toilet?

32:10 I’m going to put some stuff in the bin out of the back. There will be a goal.

27:18: They’re still kicking a ball around. On 9th July, someone searched for “juicey n wet pussys” on this site. One of the orange guys just did a karate kick to the chest of one of the blue guys. Best moment so far.

23:20: I’ve turned my intentions to clearing some of the spam entries out of the stats database, as it’s absolutely huge at the moment, and it could do with a bit of a clean up. this may, or may not slow the site down to a crawl.

16:06: Two yellow cards already. Dirty match.

10:45: Every time I hear “Iniesta”, I always have to add, “For ever, come on and sing my song…. ALLL NIIIGHT LONG”.

07:30: Wow, look at all of those cameras behind the net!

05:22: Ah, the blue ones must be Spain. I do like BBC’s colour coded scoreboard.

04:27: Oooooh, them in the blue nearly scored.

03:45: I’ve just spammed Glen’s forum with a link to this page. I’m such a naughty boy, but hello if you’re reading from there anyway.

01:08: A free kick already. I have a feeling this match is going to be incredibly dull

Kick off: They’ve kicked off.

Random Thought: 4 years ago, I was on my first laptop, typing my thoughts into Glen’s forum because this site used Blogger, and I couldn’t update it in realtime. That laptop had no wireless built in. I believe I was connected via a 15-metre ethernet cable trailling all of the way upstairs. How times and technology have changed. I’m watching this footy in HD. I also dreamt that a pop group I’ve never heard of were firing fireworks at me and Gregg (who I’ve not seen for years, by the way), as we walked up Horseley Place. That dream was about as pointless as this match is going to be.

National Anthems: Bollocks to this, I’muted the telly, and am playing the video below and singing along. It’s awesome. Tinny laptop speakers don’t do it justice.

They’re walking on the pitch: I LOVE this music, it’s called “Fifa Anthem”, don’t you know.

Buildup 3: Jesus, what time is kick off? I’m sick of listening to ex-footballers rabbiting on about tactics and “dragging people out of the box”. Apparently, the Germans are marked. I hope they had a shower before they go on the pitch. Oh, it’s so warm in here. I’m going upstairs for a wash.

Buildup 2: You know, I didn’t even know who was playing? I just added a “uaregay” tag, which was supposed to be a parody of “Uruguay”. It’s Spain v Netherlands. Wow. I just realised how much I really don’t care! Did I mention I’m not drinking any beer for this? I only got up at 6PM. More BBC footage I’m afraid. I can’t hear Jonathan Thingy’s voice without thinking “Robot Wars”.

Buildup 1: Right, I wish they’d just get on with it. BBC are currently just showing endless video footage. Oddly, the match is also on ITV. Following ITV’s track record of abysmal coverage (see England’s goal missed), I won’t be touching them with a bargepole. I can’t remember if the last world cup final had coverage on two channels. I’ll probably switch over if BBC have Mick “Vuvuzela” McCarthy doing the commentrary.

Lord Charles is speechless…

23:09 My fortune cookie… “The hardest task in life is not getting ahead of others, but to surpass yourself”… where’s the forune in that?

22:55 BBC’s first use of the swingometer!

22:52 Houghton + Sunderland South votes are in, Labour win, predictably. Sky news’s coverage is about a minute behind the BBC.

22:50 Chinese arrived after 12 minutes after I ordered it. Incredible! Can’t have been busy. That means beer is off the menu for the next few hours. Exit polls are in, giving Conservative the win. The numbers are complete bollocks though.

21:55Chinese ordered, and there’s only 3 minutes to vote.

21:48I think I’ll order a chinese.

21:33 With 28 minutes to go, do you recknon that Sky will have a great big countdown clock projected on the side of HoP or Battersea?

21:28 Well who said that the news wasn’t educational? I’ve just leared that all of the country’s weather forecasts come from Exeter.

21:20 Just saw an advert for “port Isaac’s Fisherman’s Friends”. An album sung by a group of fisherman. Has someone been watching the Simpsons and actually thought it would be a good idea to rip off The Sea Captain’s album? Sky news are still showing empty gyms and tennis courts…

21:07 Jesus. this has been on 7 minutes and I’m already wanting to punch the monitor. Kay whatshername standing on a podium saying “I declare Sky News to be the first HD election broadcast”, or words to that effect. They’re projecting the Sky News HD logo now on the side of the houses of parliament. Whatever next?

21:03 Sky are showing shots of an empty gymnsaium in Witney. I don’t even think high definition can sex that up.

21:00 Well, that was good timing. Sky’s coverage starts off with Big Ben. Already they’re whoring their HD coverage. Whoopee.

20:59 A truly heart-stopping moment, as I lose internet connectivity for 3 minutes. I thought my plans were scuppered. Thankfully, a router reboot fixed it. Sky News doesn’t have any coverage either yet. You know, I’m thinking I started this a bit too early.

20:53 BBC News doesn’t have any election shite on it yet. Instead there’s Charlie Higson talking about a book. Or something.

20:50 Well, I’ve not even mentioned the E word yet, and it’s almost two hours since I started this post. In that time, I’ve had no beer, spending most of the time trying to find a hard drive that went missing months ago.

Oooh, during my typing I’ve had my first comment!

c64glen: I’m here… Don’t think anything well happen until the first results start coming in at 11.

No neither do I, but I’m going to be here just in case! I’m upstars without a telly, so I’ll have to rely on interwebs streaming for news, for now.

19:44 Seeing as there’s nothing happening yet, I’m browsing the web whilst listening to Boney M. Found this…

19:18 Well, the time has arrived, and although I’m 18 minutes late, I’m still determined to sit through as much of this shite as humanly possible. Tonight’s telly shall be a night of unprecedented dullness, dodgy camera work and misinformation as the three major parties battle it out to see who can fuck up the country more than ever before.

Nothing’s on telly about it yet, as the polling stations haven’t closed, but you’d better believe I’ve got some beers in the fridge waiting for it all to kick off.

It’s called ‘The Golden Age of Video’ by Ricardo Autobahn. It’s a copyright minefield, so I’m surprised it’s not been deleted yet. I’m so glad it hasn’t.

I got out of bed at 5:50 just to play it because I woke up with it going around my head. Anything that has Short Circuit, Rainbow, The Fast Show, Anchorman, Naked Gun, South Park, and Family Guy in the same video, with a recurring chorus featuring Ghostbusters and Freaks MUST be good… and this is brilliant.

EDIT: fixed formatting.

For those of you unfamiliar with the “Gotcha”, it was a section of the Saturday night twatfest known simply as “Noel’s House Party”, where Noel Edmonds would play pranks on unsuspecting celebrities, with often un-hilarious consequences. You may remember this section of the show also brought us the pink and yellow spawn of Satan himself known as Mr. Blobby.

Thankfully, there was one good episode. The world, his dog and its fleas know that I am a lifelong fan of Countdown, and I remember howling with laughter at this particular wind-up. I recorded part of it, when it was originally aired, but since then, the tape got damaged and I haven’t seen it since.

Obviously, they couldn’t show the full programme on Noel’s House Party – instead they cut it down to about 5 minutes.

Whilst clicking around on youtube, I found it. But wait, there’s more! It’s the *entire* episode of Countdown! Roughly 50 minutes worth of footage, including “mistakes” which weren’t shown in the NHP broadcast – especially Richard’s “You do know you’re talking a load of bollocks, don’t you?” outburst. There is also (finally) the explnation why there were two new contestants.

Here are the links to the videos. Watch them while they’re hot, or before someone at Google HQ presses the big ‘delete’ button on them…

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

It’s a billionth generation VHS rip, but you don’t need good quality video to appreciate this.

Anyway, you can’t have failed to notice that last Saturday was Grand National day. One of my favourite annual events, and one I keep saying to myself that I’ll actually go and attend. It’s not happened yet, unfortunately. Of course, it doesn’t really make much difference, seeing as BBC now transmit their coverage of the event in HD. Hurrah!

Some of you may have remembered the disaster I experienced in 2009, following the victory of a horse nobody had ever heard of… Mon Mome, winning at 100/1.

This year, I took a look at the listings (or whatever they call them), only to find out there wasn’t a horse I fancied… er, I mean… wanted to bet on. I had planned to bet on something linked to the memory of Stu, the security guard, following the failed works bet last year. Nothing came to mind, and after spending a totally lazy afternoon on the sofa, I decided I couldn’t be arsed to bet on anything – my money was safer in my wallet.

Chris phoned me up moments before the race….

Him: You watching the national?
Me: Yeah, didn’t bother putting a bet on, though I would have gone for my lucky numbers, 27 and 6
Him: Oh. I put a bet on. No idea what I put it on though.
Me: Okies. Well, I’ll phone you back after the race.

I hung up, and laughed like a drain, as horse #27 rooted itself to the spot on the start. 10 minutes later, #6 romped home. Gutted, I texted Chris back, and let him know my “results”. My phone bleeped seconds later. He had only put his unknown bet on #6. Bastard.

There were no fatalities in this years’ race, meaning that the french restaraunts in Liverpool were short of “chevale” for a few days.

I do like the Scarface soundtrack, and it’s so long since I’ve played it. On it goes.

In other news, at 16:29 today, the Revo Dalek which had been salvaged from Lancaster Road, received its first power in its new home, with help from a gear tray supplied by Andy The Iridium Fan. This is also the first time in my entire life that I’d lit a SOX (low pressure sodium) lantern. I took a photo at the immediate time of switch-on, but the floor in the living room was a mess so none of you will ever get to see it. To me, however, it was a groundbreaking moment.

“HEXHAM M.A.G.S ON TOUR + ERIC + LIL” (Whoever wrote this must have aching arms, as they held it up for most of the night)

“HI EVE” (written on a paper plate)

“UP THE PHILLI I.P.F RED LION WHO ARE YOU?”

Some guy i constantly holding uo a sign with “PETE” written on it, and an arrow pointing down to PETE.

“LESTERS YOU OWE ME BEER”

“REAGN” (Could this be Regan spelled badly?)

“SHABBA”. How very 1994.

“HELLO MRS KINIEVEL” (Wonder if her first name is Fu?)

“MORE BLING THAN BOBBY GEORGE”

“KAREN FEED THE CATS”

“HELLO WOODHORN I LOVE IAN COOK ALWAYS AND FOREVER”. (I can’t read the rest of this one because it’s upside down)

“HOPE YOUR ASLEEP MIKEY & BAILEY” (I am aware of the you’re / your error in their writing)

“WILL THERE BE A POWER CUT OR DOES PHIL HAVE THE POWER?”

“IM THE ONLY SOBER 1 HERE!” (Seems like someone could do with a lesson from Bob The Angry Flower)

“LOVE CONTRACT”

“MOUSE AND BAZZA FEEL THE POWER” (Oh, I don’t know where to start with that one)

“IM WITH JESUS”

“HELLO UNCLE BILL” (Hello from me too!)

“GAYNOR” (written on what looks like a napkin – the stocks of cards must be running lowl)

“SOLAR POWER” (complete with a news article of someone catching a large fish… er, righto. This appeared before Phil Taylor lost in the Semi Final, obviously)

“HELLO KATE + JP” (The fudge? Someone knows I’m watching? Hello! I don’t know who Kate is, by the way)

“PROPER DARTS CORPORATION” (No, dear. The P in PDC stands for “Professional”)

“LOVEMAN N.D.F NO 1 ! !” (Note the exclamation marks on this one were huge. Maybe the writer just liked the smell of the marker pen)

“WE’VE FINISHED WORK AT LAST!” (Golly, I’m so proud of you.)

Someone also flashed their tits at the camera. I love you, realtime-pause on Sky+. (EDIT: Someone searched for “paul nicholson darts supporter big tits” on Google and reached this site. This is the proudest moment of my life.

“PLATEFACE” (Hahahahaha!)

“WELL DONE VIPPA” (I prefer my Vippa medium-rare.)

“MARKO THE BEST STAGE MANAGER IN THE WORLD!” (This guy’s been holding this thing all night, but was always too far away from the camera to be legible. For some reason, the cameraman thought it deserved a closeup. I’m a little disappointed, if I’m honest. Dale, Kezia says hi.)

“I LOVE YOU GREAT MATE” (Someone’s pissed?)

“FOR SALE SET OF 3 DARTS, HARDLY USED, 1 CAREFUL OWNER, CONTACT…. PHIL….”

“180″. (Something which I haven’t mentioned is that the cards have a blank area on one side, and a printed “180″ on another, with the sponsors name on, meaning that if a player scores a 180, the sponsors get a load of free advertising when the masses wave it in front of the camera. For some reason, someone decided to scrawl 180 on the blank side, whichmeans they either weren’t aware of the afore-mentioned pre-printed 180, or they didn’t like the sponsor. Or it’s one of the few who really, really couldn’t think of an inane message to scribble).

“140″ (Oh… clever!)

“LET THE DOGS OUT MATT AND STOP PLAYING POOL” (If he’s playing pool, how can he be watching the darts?)

“PHIL MY BOL FOR TEAM LEADER!” (You just know that guy is one of the people who, at a night out such as the darts, will sit there and just talk about work.)

“THERE’S A NASTY SMELL OF “GIT” IN THE VACINATY”. (You should have to pass a spell test before they give you these cards…)

“I’M NOT ILL! SORRY! I LIED!” (And you broadcast this to the nation? On ITV4? Don’t worry, your job’s safe.)

“HELLO MANSFIELD”

“HI DARLING LYN WONT BE HOME 4 DINNER. P.S DONT GIVE TO POPPY” (Wonder if there’s a reward for the safe return of missing apostrophes…)

“GOLF SALE <—-” (Well, someone had to do it!)

“RON JEREMY FAN CLUB”

“I [HEART] TARDS” (How very mature…)

“LESTER CAN YOU PLEASE PICK UP DAD HE’S PI**ED” (I hope Lester gets the message.)

There were probably loads more, but these are the only ones I could be arsed to type. Paul Nicholson won in the end.