Well, right now, I feel like either driving a bullet through somebody else’s skull, or driving a bullet directly through mine. You won’t be a million miles off thinking that work has a LOT to do with the way I’m feeling at the minute.

I’d better shut up now about work, I can feel my blood pressure rising, and I want to be able to drink this can of beer without feeling my chest implode…

Speaking about beer, I almost paid way over the odds for my favourite drink. I had just left work after THE DAY OF HELL, and headed straight to the establishment of very fine ales, known as the supermarket.

The stocks were plentiful…

… of course, this is always a good sign. What’s even better is that they’re doing 3 of these for £20, which means that I stacked my trolley high. Well, if you count three a high number, anyway.

I happily trot to the tills with my three happy crates, along with a few other bits and pieces. … well, when I say trot, I mean limp, and when I say happily, I mean with a face so glum it would appear that I’d lost a fiver, and found a TB infected penny.

I begin to load my wares onto the conveyor. Normally, if I get a shedload of booze in, I simply just put one box on, and explain to whoever is serving me that I have three. Just in case they can’t see then in the trolley.

So, while I continue to load the shopping, the woman behind the counter begins to help me pack. Normally, they ask you if you want help with the packing, but my face of thunder must have made her take pity on me. Either that, or it was because I didn’t have that much stuff, and it was quiet, so I assume she didn’t have anything better to do. The last thing to go on, was my one crate. I mention to the trolley dolly, that I have three. As the packing was being done for me, I watch the little till display. It’s lucky I did. She puts in multiple items for my crate. 2… 3… 4… wait, did that just say four?

I ask her… “Did you just put four in there?”
“No, only three”, she replies, as if I was accusing her of robbing me blind.

The price came to something OTT, like £45. OK, I’d bought a few expensive items, such as the beer, washing powder, razor blades, etc. but £45?? Shurely shome mishtake?

Out comes my badly printed receipt. Her printer head was clearly on the way out, as it was barely readable, but yes, it clearly said 4. Well, I was not impressed.

“You’ll have to go to Customer Services, they’ll refund you.”

Great. This was 10:30 at night, and the desk was empty. It was looking unlikely that I’d be getting a refund, though I wasn’t leaving until I got one.

Eventually, someone noticed me standing there like a miserable sack of crabs in a black coat. I explained the situation with about as mush enthusiasm as a slowly deflating bouncy castle. I handed over my receipt, she scanned it. It wouldn’t scan. The print was so bad, the barcode reader couldn’t understand it. At this point, I was looking at spending the night in the camping equipment aisle. Actually, some of those tents and sleeping bags are probably quite comfortable, though I’m not sure how much tannoy-piped 1980s cock-rock I’d be able to take.

Speaking of cock-rock, I’m currently listening to “Burning Bridges” by the legendary Status Quo, which I think is one of the greatest songs of all time. This is, of course, the song which was re-written and re-recorded for Manchester United’s 1994 cup final single “Come On You Reds”, which, as we all know, is truly an abysmal record. That statement is coming from someone who received a copy of “Superman” by Black Lace from eBay yesterday.

Now, I’ll sit back and wait for the flood of venomous comments from tone-deaf and lyrically challenged Man Ure fans, just like I did when I made a post, accusing Carol Vorderman of getting her sums wrong. It quickly made it onto a TV forum. The comment expletive filter got some hammering that night. I think I kept them, some of them were really funny and well written. Turned out *I* was wrong after all. Whoopsy.

That reminds me, I never did apologise to her for making that faux pas. Sorry Carol. Love you lots. XxX.

Oh, and I got my refund.

Technorati Tags: beer, carol vorderman, Depressed, man u, Music, records, status quo, supermarket, work

Oh my. You wouldn’t believe the last few weeks I’ve had. It’s been the most boring few weeks since I’ve been put on this planet. It seems ages since I last updated this. That’s because it HAS been ages.

It seems strange to think that 7 years ago, I managed to update this everyday, despite all I did was eat and sleep, now I sometimes can’t manage to write a proper post in a month. It’s fair to say that my outlook on blogging has completely changed in the last few months. I’m getting older, and back then, it was a joy to sit down and type my heart out, and say things that were my true thoughts, however, I’ve been “caught” too many times by old comments for me to do anything but skate over issues which are on my mind constantly.

Work, for example. Every night I dream about it in at least some way, most of the time not in a good way All I do these days is work and sleep. Occasionally, when I’m off, I’ll tidy until my fingers bleed, and my chest feels as if it’s about to cave in. It’s all a bit freaky. I’m not the only one it’s been a shit year so far for (uh, is that English?).

Actually, thinking back, wasn’t June the month last year where I attempted to do a blog a day until the end of the month? Oh, let’s do it again, this should be fun. It IS summer after all. Not every entry will be the barrel of laughs you’re used to, but it should be “different” anyway.

Riiight, so where to start with the first entry… ummm, I’ve been at work. I was meant to start at 2PM, but due to sickies and sackies, I found out I was starting at 12pm thanks to a phone call, received by Daddykins. I screamed the house down. I’ve not been sleeping well recently, thanks to work, and the thought of losing two hours sleep really wound me up. Truly wound me up. Teddy thrown across the room, etc. Well, it was a pillow, but you get the idea.

I went in there, with a face like thunder, slightly late, as the stupid fucking bint on the till at [a well known supermarket] realised she’d picked up Conditioner instead of shampoo, and we were all kept waiting while someone else rushed around the shelves, like a retarded contestant on Supermarket Sweep, looking for the same type of shampoo… Sigh.

Loading the three boxes of Carlsberg into the car was my problem too. Literally.

I then sat down and endured 12 hours of the longest day I think I’ve ever faced. It was still only my normal 12 hours, but it just seemed so long. Thankfully, [same supermarket] had an offer on jelly sweets, so a bag of those saw me through the day.

So, what else has been happening? Let’s go back to Wednesday… I discovered episodes of an old American gameshow named “Starcade” which was recorded in the 1980’s, and featured families playing actual arcade games to get points… the star prize? An actual arcade machine of that weeks special game. Of the episodes I’ve watched, I’ve not witnessed anyone actually winning, though I’m sure they did.

Oh, that reminds me, there’s been activity on the video logs, or rather someone trying to be clever.

“tamar832″ had created the account to specifically leave those comments, as it was registered on 29th May, and before the comments were posted, “they” had only watched 3 videos. So, if I’ve driven someone to actually spend their time creating and registering a youtube account, and actually leave those comments, then the irony is just delicious. They’d have spent the same amount of time registering the account, waiting for the confirmation email and posting that comment as it did for me to record and edit that bloody video.

If it IS a genuine comment, I’m quite honestly surprised that it’s taken someone this long to completely fail to see the entire point of the vlogs. They’re meant to be shit. I wouldn’t do them otherwise. Didn’t “they” hear the crap music? The crap graphics? Actually, I quite like the music, but that’s not the point.

So, I have come to two conclusions. Number One is that “Tamar9835whatever” is a complete stranger who didn’t like my videos. He/she doesn’t see the point. He/she will avoid my videos from now on. You don’t know me, therefore you don’t know the p[erson I am. In fact, you will not read this, therefore your opinion is null and void.

The second conclusion is that “tamar”$2242£4″ is actually a reader here, and/or someone who knows me personally, and simply can’t resist seeing how I’d react to a negative comment. Congratulations. 4 paragraphs and 10 minutes worth of typing. We shall joke about this in the future.

Actually, talking about absolute drivel, I ended up at the flea market on Wednesday too. God, what a state it’s getting. It was almost empty, despite the fact it was a nice morning. It’s still a place with infinite amounts of comedy, though. One stall was selling erasers for 10p each. I almost broke down with laughter when I realised the seller was keeping them in a potty. Yes, a bright orange potty, with “stains” all over it. I almost cried laughing. Needless to say, I passed on the offer at cheap rubbers.

Er, anyway. I’m going to end this here, I’m at work today so I’ll have to save some stuff for tomorrow’s update. Sorry if it got a bit depressing at the start, I had to get into the swing of typing so much in such a short space of time, and it was the only thing I can think of. June promises to be a month of trials, tribulations, and so much messed-up shit it’s untrue, though I’ll do my best at keeping those last things at a minimum…

Hooray for blogging!

Technorati Tags: beer, carlsberg, chad, vlog, work

I said I’d give it a year. I said I’d give it 18 moths. I said I’d give it until Easter. I now have been working at the same place now for five years. FIVE years. That is five years I’ll never get back!

And, to cap it all off, yesterday was one of those days where everything went south. All thanks to some complete cockend who made it into my entirely fictional little black book of people I’m going to hunt down like a dog when I finally go postal. Which the way I’m feeling right about now won’t be long. From every angle, it feels like everything I do at work is going to collapse in on itself.

It was only a few months ago, I was actually beginning to like work. I felt like it had a purpose. But then, MA resigned as a teamleader, and I’m felling the insecurity I felt years ago. And, I’m sick of it..

I’m beginning to feel lonely again too, which doesn’r exactly help matters. Like today, I’ve not spoken to my dad since 2PM this afternoon. I will not see him until Monday afternoon. I will have absolutely no.contact with anyone outside of work until Tuesday.

I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. In a years time, I’ll probably doing the same thing, up at 3:30 typing my depression into my laptop (presuming it hasn’t spontaneously combusted) in the vain hope that someone will take pity. Instead, I make myself look like a 26yr old prick. And I’ll probably look like a 27 year old prick in 6 months time. And at 28 year old prick a year later.

Maybe Wayne will appear by then. See, I think that’s another thing that’s getting me. Why has be disappeared? It’s probably an easily answered question, but it’s something that I’d like to know about at least.

One day, we were happily emailing between each other. Then I sent him one, and never got a reply back. OK, so I’m hardly one to complain about not replying to emails or getting back to anyone, but the last email I did reply to. It was inane too, just about NTL upgrading their speeds or something. But that was on 1st May. Absolutely nothing since. Was it something I said?

I’ve also not been in contact with Coatesy since the fateful night out in early February. Though, that one is entirely, 100% completely my fault, without any hesitation. And one which I’m about to correct. Though, I’d be surprised if he still reads this!

In a vain chance to get my mind on something positive before I head off to bed, I’ll chat about music.

Firstly, I’m listening to a piece of music I will always remember from some Athletics highlights show in 1987. It was the highlights of the Grand Prix meeting in Rome, before the World Championships were held there. And, the music is “Thieves Like Us” by New Order. I’m not sure why I remember it so well, but it stuck in my mind.

Another song I also like, which I have only just discovered is Abba - As Good As New. Yes, Abba. Sorry.

And a song which has just appeared in the playlist (I’ve not heard this for ages) is “The Pastels - A Different Drum”. An altogether interesting song.

Anyway, this clearly isn’t working. I think I’ll watch Black Books.

Technorati Tags: abba, anniversary, Depressed, Music, new order, wasted life, work

I can’t think of a title. It’s almost Nightshift. I’m feeling alone, dejected, alone. Alone. ALONE.

I’ve not seen a sole human being since Sunday, except for the people I work with. Well, I saw my dad for about 5 seconds. I stuck my head around his bedroom door when I got in. He was still asleep.

I want to sit in a corner and cry for some unknown reason. Each breath is a painful sigh as the time for work approaches ever closer.

Apologies for the possible bad English in this post. I’m not really up for typing.

Oh, they’ve finally began to the old ramp and railings which used to lead up to Chad’s house.

If I can switch my mind on later, I might type a little more about it. But, until then I’m going to curl up into a little ball and gibber to myself quietly for the next 9 hours.

Oh, and I’ve just found out that Toploader’s “Dancing In the Moonlight” wasn’t an original song. King Harvest sang it before Toploader. Oh well.

Technorati Tags: chad, dancing in the moonlight, Depressed, lonely, nightshifts, work

Bugger. No sooner do I activate comments, I accidentally reject the first genuine one. That was in response to the hastily written post about the dogs, a few weeks ago, written purely to see how many hits I got for the word “lesbian”. Anyway, as I abandoned the experiment at 0 hits , I’m going to have to google what the word “banal” means. I’m sure it’s something really good.

*tappity*

Oh.

I do, however, like this statement from Wordsmith’s “Word of The Day”…

“How does the poet transform his banal thoughts (are not most thoughts banal?) into such stunning forms, into beauty?”
–Joyce Carol Oates, “Speaking of Books: The Formidable W.B. Yeats,” New York Times, September 7, 1969

It’s always been a bit of a strange thing, writing this blog. You’re either loved, or you’re hated. No middle ground. Nobody says “It’s OK”, or “not bad”. It’s either marriage proposals, or death threats. And, I’ve had both of them!

I discussed this in an unpublished entry I wrote just before the 5th anniversary. It’s how much this blog has changed.

Going back to the earlier days, I was pretty much fearless on what I put on this blog. After all, it was hosted on something like freeservers.com…. nobody knew about it except me, and maybe a couple of friends. I could say what I liked. The blog was some sort of therapy to me. If I didn’t like somebody, I’d write things about them in here. And it was great. The early entries (mostly now deleted) involved around an ex, who shall remain nameless, for reasons explained later.

The site grew, it got linked to, search engines inevitably picked up on the content, and it wasn’t really anonymous anymore. So, I moved. To “TonOfSpace” some time in 2001. They promised 100Mb of free web space. And I enjoyed it. Until they completely vanished overnight.

This didn’t set me back. After a couple of moves to other temporary hosts, I’d somehow started to get a following. Links appeared in other blogs. Back in 2001, I had the world at my feet. My eye operation set me up for the first full time job I’d had.

it was time to lay bricks, and set up a foundation for me to build from. In 2002, mercuryvapour.co.uk was born.

God, enough of the history. I’m boring myself now.

So, banality is what it’s came down to. Meh, I agree entirely, and have done for the past few months. It’s not possible for me to word this in a way that’s not going to sound like a strop, and an old time “Jamie storms out of whatever he’s doing because there was a comment made”. The comment, naturally means nothing, but I can understand why it’s made.

Over the past few months, I’ve not put the effort into the site I used to. There are too many reasons to list. I’ve tried to pinpoint it to one reason. It’s not possible. So let’s list them.

1. Too popular. Every segment of this site is published by search engines. By the time you’ve read this, Google’s indexed it.

2. I’m too secretive. I respect people’s privacy, and these days, if I talk about them in here, I don’t mention them by name.

3. It’s too easy to upset people when you don’t intend to. Coatesy, one of the few people I do name in this blog, commented on Sunday, “I see you slagged me off in your blog again”. No. Never my intention. I do not say anything in here I would not say to someone’s face.

4. My dad reads it. Let’s face it, I’m in a spiralling pit of depression. Back in the old days, before he knew about it, I wrote about everything. How I felt. Whether it was good or bad, I’d write it, and publish it. I don’t like doing it with him reading it.

5. The rest of my family reads it. See above. I wanted to talk, in detail, about the recent death of my great uncle, which hurt me deeply. I can’t.

6. I want to talk about things I’ve been told, but can’t. Things which I literally shed tears over this morning. But can’t. There is no longer the veil of secrecy and anonymity I relied upon in the earlier days. This is no therapy for me. I’m simply bottling it up more and more. Thinking about it to the point of exploding.

7. I have never ONCE mentioned current girlfriends relevant to the time of posting. Secrecy thing again.

8. There are only so many times you can talk about having a really big poo.

It’s official. Blogging is no longer a hobby, it’s a chore.

And, back to the original comment. That’s why my life seems banal. It’s because the non-banal stuff is kept off the site.

I’m going to publish this unedited. And then edit it later on.

(P.S. I knew what Banal meant. I just wanted an interesting opening)

Technorati Tags: banal, blogging, Death, girlfriends, giving up