Well, Saturday night was the 2009 Eurovision song contest. As per the last 6 EVSC’s I’ve been at work, or otherwise engaged, therefore, have missed out on the “festivities” for want of a better phrase. I prsonally like to think of it as personal torment for all of the good music I’ve listened to over the last 12 months.

Thanks to the wonderment of modern technology, I have the whole program on disk, ready for me to play and endure, therefore, 2 days late, I give you my own personal review….

So, all I have to do now is hit play…. I have a habit of going off on a tangent, so I’ll try and keep as close to the subject as I can. Fat chance of that happening, but meh….

01. Lithuania

Well, Lithuania’s entry was garbage. Seemed to be the same note over and over again. Considering they did the “utterly brilliant” track called “Wolves Of The Sea” from last years’ contest, this has been a total disappointment.

02. Israel

Vast over-use of the words “there must be another way”. That’s the name of the song, unsurprisingly.

03. France…

Patricia Kaas sings something in French. She sounds and looks as if she’s spent a little too long in the cemetary. This song really isn’t going to get going. By the way, I have no idea who she is. The song ended with a poor dance move. Didn’t like this one at all.

04. Sweden

Sweden’s usually a good song. Operatic vocals meets upbeat backing track. This one’s not bad. Unfortunately, the microphone doesn’t seem to be able to handle the vocal. I liked it though. Not as much as I liked Carola’s “Invincible” from several years ago.

05. Croatia

Unfortunately, I don’t have several hours to type out the name of it, or the artist. A slow, dreary thing that sort of just… stopped.

06. Portugal

“Flor-De-Lis / Todas As Ruas Do Amor”. Guess who just remembered he can pause so he can get the titles correct? Ahaha. Graham “Not Wogan” Norton describes this as a “happy song”…. Riiight. *presses play*

I like this. Accordian-tastic. Bit of flute. Heard worse.

07. Iceland

“Yohanna / Is it true?”. I can’t decide whether I like this one or not. Ah, a key change. Yes, I do like this. Well, I did until the end, it just sort of fizzled out at the end.

08. Greece

“Sakis Kouvas / This is our Night”. God, this almost belongs in a 1980s bargain bin. Another predictable, yet nicely executed key change. Definitely got better as the song went on.

09. Armenia

“Inga & Anush / Jan Jan”. 1 point for the silly song name. 1 point for the catchy tune. -2 points for the key change that could be spotted from space, which appeared to be stuck in there just to make the song that little bit longer.

10. Russia

“Anastasia Prikhodko / Mamo”. The host country’s song. This will probably be awful. The LED screens around the set show her in a prerecorded sequence. Very reminiscent (video-wise) of “Nothing Compares 2 U” except she seems to get older as the song goes on. Of course, the afore mentioned song was written about drugs (according to a taxi driver I spoke to once), while “Mamo” appears to be a song about a well established arcade emulat…. oh, wait, that’s Mame, isn’t it?

11. Azerbj… Azurgib…. over there… *points east*

“Aysel & Arash / Always”. A team of writers appears underneath the title of the track, and it’s a mile long. This had better be good, otherwise quite a few people have wasted their time….

I must admit, that this song starts off with a woman with very bendy legs. I’m sure, if you pause it at just the right second, you get a good glimpse of vag. All of a sudden, I don’t want to press play. I’ll write the timestamp down and examine it later. Ahem.

Ok, so the woman singing sounds a little like Shakira. the guy looks like he’s painted his hair on, and… oh no, he’s fallen into the “Let’s pretend to play a weird looking instrument, even though the instrument tune is clearly coming from a backing track”. Here comes the key change… trust me, it’s coming…. oh, fuck, it didn’t.

12. Bosnia & Herzegovina

“Regina / Bistra Voda”. Oddly, I have usually liked B+H’s songs over the previous years. This one’s not bad. Catchy tune. Didn’t like it as muchas their earlier effords. I’d give it a C+

A “commercial break”, which is prompty fast-fordwarded. We, here in Blighty, don’t have commercial breaks, so therefore we are shown a film of policemen singing, or something. Don’t know, fast-forwarded it.

13. Moldova

“Nelly Ciobanu / Hora Din Moldova”. I really am not expecting a lot from this one, going by the title. Oh god, she looks like Rene’s wife off “Allo, Allo”.

OK, scrap the previous remark. This one’s my favourite so far. Upbeat, catchy, liked it a lot. May consider rewinding it and playing it again.

14. Malta

“Chiara / What if we”. Hmm, starts off with the classic 1990s pan-pipe sample. Not a good start. It’s only getting worse. I put my laptop down for a few seconds while this song was on. That was by far the worst so far.

15. Estonia

“Urban Symphony / Randajad”. Instant thoughts when this song started… “Sounds like Cyndi Lauper’s version of “I Drove all Night’ “. The singer is clutching a violin. I hope she doesn’t fall into the same trap as #11 did…. oh. She did. The rest of the track consists of her wailing down the microphone. Not much of a song, then, is it?

16. Denmark

“Brinck / Believe Again”.

OK, what the hell is this? A song written by Ronan Keating, and the singer pretending to be Ronan Keating? Why not get Ronan Keating to sing the song and represent Ireland? I don’t get it… Apart from the obvious RK rip-off, sounds a bit like New Order

17. Germany

“Alex Swings Oscar Sings / Miss Kiss Kiss Bang”. Flashback to 1990. Almost total rip-off of Madonna’s “Hanky Panky”. For once in my life, I actually agreed with Graham “Still Not Wogan” Norton with this comment “Well, that’s the low point over”.

18. Turkey

“Hadise / Dum Tek Tek”. Nah, don’t like it. I wonder how many countries are in this bollocks? (Aw, getting tired and grumpy, are we? – Ed) Fuck you.

19. Albania

“Kejsi Tola / Carry Me In your Dreams”… You know, these are all starting to sound the same. Another pointless key change just to pad out an otherwise very weak song.

20. Norway

“Alexander Rybak / Fairytale”. Christ almighty, what have I said about the singers playing an instrument? This guy flings a violin about randomly, not once but twice. Oh, wait, three times. His head looks like a cube.

21. Ukraine

“Svetlana Loboda / Be My Valentine (Anti-Crisis Girl)” Well, with a title like that, you’d expect this to be amazing. And, with only three songs to go after this one, I’ve perked up a little. And, once again, the singer plays an instrument, this time the drums. It’s not as bad as the previous incarnations, however.

22. Romania

“Elena / The Balkan Girls”. Oooooh, the Romanians have found an interesting loophole in the rules. The singer shown with the microphone isn’t actually singing the song. There’s a woman to the far right of the stage singing.

23. United Kingdom

“Jade Ewen / It’s My Time”. Words cannot express how much I detest this, but it’s just given me the best laughof the “show” so far. Some guy plaing the violin… she walks down the stairs and right into his arm.

24. Finland

“Waldo’s People / Lose Control”. Well, I think I’m totally Eurovisioned out. I think “our entry” has disappointed me to the point of submission.

25. Spain

“Soryaya Arnelas / La Noche Es Para mi”…..

Aparrently, at that point, I fell asleep, because I woke up near the end of the results. Well, what can I say? We have comfy furniture. I didn’t even bother seeing the end of the results, as I have since found out that Norway won. Remember Cube-head? Yes, him. Sigh.

This has been a terrible post, but am I fuck going to waste 3 hours of typing. Roll on Eurovision 2010!