Wahey! You may remember that near the bottom of this post way back in May 2005, I mentioned that I had managed to snap my desk lamp, and that the poor thing was hanging by its wire. Well, Netto does it again. I have managed to acquire a new one for the paltry sum of £9.99!!! It didn’t come with a bulb, but that’s not a problem, seeing as it takes exactly the same bulb as my old one - an 11 watt PL-S compact fluorescent. Woo! And I still have something like three of these bulbs spare, so these should last me a while.

The postie also delivered some 7″ records I got from ebay, which I shall play now, and grade on their.. ahem… quality. And they were….

1. CHINA IN YOUR HAND - T’PAU (SRN 64)

Ah yes, this classic. Reached number 1 in 1987. This is the seldom-heard single version which is considerably shorter and slightly faster than the album version. It also omits some of the lyrics, which didn’t make much sense anyway. I like this song. Thankfully, it’s not badly scratched. A little noisy at the start - it soulds like the previous owner pressed down on the needle a few times when playing the record, causing a bit of scratch at the start. Otherwise, it plays fine.

2. NESSUN DORMA - Pavarotti (PAVO 3)

It has emblazened across the top “THE OFFICIAL BBC GRANDSTAND WORLD CUP THEME”, because of course, The Beeb used the famous part of it for their 1990 world cup coverage. Literally translated to “None Shall Sleep”, and was recorded in 1973. It’s timed at just under 3 minutes, but seems to go on for much longer.

3. THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO - FAB feat. MC Parker (FAB 1)

Bah. Upon inspection, the beginning of this record is clearly damaged, with a great big bump on the run-in groove. I was looking forward to hearing this one again after so many years. The sleeve looks like an explosion in a typeface factory. Seriously, it’s diabolically bad. Surprisingly, that bump doesn’t actually affect playing.

“Standby for action!”

Oh, for fuck’s sake, this is terrible. I’ve forgotten just how bad these summer novelty records were.

“We like it, don’t we, Parker?”

No, not really. Crap Thunderbird samples played over the Thunderbird theme. For some reason, it also features the Stingray theme. This one really has aged badly in the last 15 years since I heard it. The B side features a different mix of it. I really don’t think I’ll bother.

4. DO THEY KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS? - BAND AID II

Oh my word. I don’t think I can bear to play this one. It’s the Stock Aitken Waterman murdering of a classic song. It’s funny how many of these artists you no longer hear from, compared to the original. In order they’re listed on the cover….

Bananarama
Big Fun
Bros
Cathy Dennis
D-Mob
Jason Donovan
Kevin Godley
Glen Goldsmith
Kylie Minogue
The Pasadenas
Chris Rea
Cliff Richard
Jimmy Somerville
Sonia
Lisa Stansfield
Technotronics (I assume that’s Technotronic, but it has an S on the end here)
Wet Wet Wet

5. TURTLE POWER - PARTNERS IN KRYME (TURTLE1)

The whole reason I bought these records to be perfectly honest. I still remember every word despite it being about 15 years ago since I heard it properley. This one also came with a poster. Inside the poster is a plain black record sleeve which includes the record.

It appears this one was released twice. The record itself has the original matrix number crossed out (SBK10), and replaced with the new one, TURTLE1. The matrix number printed on the cover, however, is TURTLEP1, the P presumably means that this one is the poster pack. Makes me wonder if this was recorded and released before the film was made.

Either way, it brings back good memories for me. The Turtles were the first childhood fad I got into, though I never actually owned a copy of this song until today

6. LET’S PARTY - JIVE BUNNY AND THE MASTERMIXERS (MFD 003)

Making Music for all my friends is all I want to do.
Music thats fun for one and all including friends like you.
Thanks for buying my record
Now come on everybody
Lets Party

That’s exactly as it’s written on the cover. Apparently, the typeface they used omitted apostrophes. The rest of the record is crap.

It has one of those hidden messages printed in the dead area of the record (the runout groove). which reads “MERRY XMAS EVERYBUNNY”

7. YMCA - VILLAGE PEOPLE 1993 REMIX (Some long number)

Oh, my word. I can’t believe I’m about to play this. On goes the needle, and… truly, this is the worst thing I have heard since I caught the dog’s tail in the oven door. You can hang out with all the boys, indeed. I think I’ll pass on that one.

That’s when…
Some one came up to me, and said
Young man…
What do you want to be?
A father, now FUCK OFF.

8. MISTLETOE AND WINE - Cliff Richard (EM 78)

You can almost smell burned turkey, and the shit carpet cleaners sprayed on just before the extended family emerge through the front door clutching cheap tins of biscuits wrapped up in Job Lot quality wrapping paper. December 26th is the best time of the year, because you know you won’t hear that song again until the beginning of November the following year.

9. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO MAKE THESE EYES AT ME FOR? - Shakin’ Stevens (SHAKY 5)

Apparently, he read the lyrics wrong. He meant to sing “What do you want to re-record this song again for?” seeing as every “old persons’ ” singer has also covered. I seem to remember a particularly painful version from Rose Marie. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on which way you look at it, this particular single has suffered from shitty needle syndrome at some point during its life, so it hisses all the way through.

The A side label states “25 hits from Shaky”. I’m sure there’s a Muhammad Ali joke in there somewhere.

10. Lambada - Kaoma (655011 7)

OK, I must admit to loving this particular record. I really think it’s good. The lyrics are… er, spanish? They almost sound like “I have built myself seven sturdy nipples on the floor”. It’s not the lyrics that make this though, it’s the cheesy music that really makes it good. So, as a bonus, the B side of this single is the instrumental! So, I think I’ll play it.

10b. Lambada (Instrumental) - Kaoma

So, the first B si….. oh, for GOD’S SAKE! WHAT THE SHITTING HELL IS THIS RUBBISH? Oh god. They’ve ruined the instrumental by replacing the vocal track with worst saxomaphone playing I have ever heard in my entire life. And, that’s including Undercover’s murdering of “Baker Street”.

Oh, man. I was looking forward to hearing that. I feel so cheated.

11. THE LOOK OF LOVE - Madonna (W8115)

I doubt this is going to be a cover of the ABC classic. I’ve never actually heard this song before. Oh, actually, I’m quite liking it. It’s definitely not the worst song I’ve heard tonight. Bit synthy. The backing track sounds like it could have been written for Debbie Gibson. but, seeing as I also like some of her songs, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

12. WHENEVER YOU NEED SOMEBODY - Rick Astley (PB 41567)

I’d expect this to be your usual PWL fodder. Yup, it is. Let’s discuss my new desklight. One major difference is that the ballast (i.e. the stuff that makes it work) is located in the base of the lamp stand. My old one actually had the ballast moulded into the plug itself. This meant that you could keep your feet warm on a night whenever you had it on. This one also has a clip to hold the lamp in place, not that it actually needs it. Therefore, I’d expect it to turn yellow, go brittle and snap off the next time I attempt to change the bulb. Oh, I’ve just realised that this song finished about a minute ago.

Utterly forgetable throwaway pap.

13. SHE AIN’T WORTH IT - GLENN MEDEIROS (LON 365)

Heh. I seem to remember quite liking this one at the time of release… “She ain’t worth it (dingy-ding-ding), The girl ain’t worth it, etc”. Well, I still like it, except for the ever-so-1990’s Bobby Brown rap. Glenns watch on the cover reads 1:43, fact fans. It would have been a great bit of planning if they’d set his watch to read 3:35, seeing as this is the length of the record stated on the cover. But then, I’d probably be the only person in the whole entire world to spot something so anal.

And, that’s it. 13 records played, £3.75 lighter pocket-wise. Never mind. There’s going to be a couple I’ll keep, and a few I’ll use to light the fire with. Or something.

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